I haven't been the happiest little puppy lately. I keep having these dreams. They are all different, but in each one there is always a strong, handsome man by my side. He is tall, and scruffy, and wears things like dark jeans, turtle necks, and leather jackets. He is always powerful, but always very sweet to me. Each time ofcourse the guys is different, and his presence is slightly different, but I also know that I need to find this man in real life. Don't get me wrong, Veronica is, well she is beautiful and she was unatainable. But I've always know that it wasn't going to be anything big. It's a fucking girl crush. Ofcourse I can not let her know that. But two leo's can't be together, it's a simple matter of fact. I'm passive in that I let her have what she wants and I don't ask for much of anything back. She gives me affection and we're ok, but I am not 100% happy. I want a real, strong man. So that he can hold onto me. Just that feeling of safety. I also can not wait until I turn 21 damn it. I can not wait till I can freaking leave Barbary Coast, I can not take it anymore.

On another note, I fucking love the Cranberries and I have no idea why it took me so damn long to get more of their music, especially considering that every song by them is absolutely amazing, and she has the best voice in the whole world.

So I'm stressing about work. I want to get as much advertising up as freaking possible, but I hate the thought of putting myself up on the internet. This really is also not something I should be stressing about right before I'm supposed to do a photo shoot, especailly considering that I think that Matt (the potographer) is trying to hit on me. I trust him that he is legit, and regardless I'm still getting pics for myself out of this. I'm gonna get these pics. I'm gonna apply to Suicide Girls, I am going to get fucking accepted! I will visit Veronica in LA and while at it I will do a shoot with SG. I need to start bringing in money so that I can do all the shit that I've been wanting to do. Aka. Visit Veronica more, visit Jersey again in 3 months, get my tattoo finished, do some fucking shopping. I should really just start making clothes and selling them on e-bay. That would be the best bet. I need to get motivated. I need to get my fucking ass to school. But I don't have the money for school, and I don't have the time for school. Barbary Coast needs me right now, but if Peter doesn't start acting like he knows that then I am going to say fuck Barbary. I need to turn fucking 21 and get a fucking bartending gig damn it!

I have a girlfriend. Her name is Veronica. She is absolutely beautiful. She's in LA tho so I don't get to see her much.

TY called me today. I know I called him drunk as fuck monay night.. in the middle of the night, but I was short, sharp and brief. Then I messaged him on AIM but I kept the same sharp attitue. But he calls me today and was nice, and sweet, and chill, and like a friend. It was fucking weird. I played shit cool and what not, but it was fucking weird. I'm scared to see him. I do still have feelings for him. And now I almost miss him. I'm gonna give him his necklace back tho. We'll see what he says when I do. We'll see if he wants to stay in touch. I'm not brining up how he fucked me over. It's in the past. Brining it up will just make it look like I want an explanation, which I kind of do, but that will also make it seem like I want to rekindle shit between us, which I don't. I need to stay away from boys. I'm gonna stick to Veronica. She's away, so she won't be hurting my goals or messing with my mind. Just my wallet, hehe. Visits to LA are kind of pricy. But she's worth it.

Haha my first lesbian relationship since like fucking sophmore year in High School. Fucking redonkulous!

I'm also afraid to see Christopher Robin. After what Nick told me about him I don't want to see the new Chris. I loved the old Chris and am afraid I will hate the new one.