So i'm having a shitty time dealing with the fact that i am somehow unable to get laid, or at least properly laid by someone that i want to get laid by. Nick says everyone hits a rouch patch every once in a while and it's a test of your self esteem. well it's not affecting my self esteem, at least not yet, it's simply just annoying the crap out of me. and i understand rough patch, but this is pushing it and it's not like i'm not trying. it's hard enough finding attractive men around this bitch.

and now look at how creative i am and how awesome the easter eggs that i painted are.

I found a new band to obsess over. Finally Handsome Furs can take a break.

They're called Beach House and they're magical.

Sometimes I scare myself with my drinking. the thought that i am well on my way to becoming na alcoholic is frightening. two nights ago I drank two screwdrivers while at home, alone, i ended up writting a couple of messages to levi. last night at mcguinns i had 2 beers and 3 jameson + ginger ale and passed out at nicks, and today i'm drinking wine, and since for some reason i believe that once you open a bottle of wine you should finish it i am drinking the whole bottle by myself. my happiness is starting to slump. erdem is not enough, alcohol is not enough, nothing is enough. i wrote another message to levi. i have been feeling a lot more creative lately tho. i'm going to start sewing a dress for my cousin. at least there is something good still goign on in my life. i need to not convince myself into fucking guys that i don't really feel like screwing. the fact that it might be fun is not enough for a fuck. no i have not done it yet.

The Sharper Image is now selling a green vibrator. While it isn't advertised for the release of sexual frustration the sleek design and 6 different vibration settings seem to make it perfect for just that. Oh and did I mention it's water resistant? Good-bye shower head, Hello FORM 6.

Him: You got me so turned on that I don't know how I am going to sleep.
Her: Take a cold shower and drink the rest of my whiskey.

Looking at slideshows of the Fashion Shows on Style.com and reading all of the Fashion Mags (Nylon, Harpers Bazzar, Vanity Fair) is so much more... useful, entertaining, and educational then TV ever could be. What ever happened to when the Style network used to have runway shows on the TV? It was like a pop-up-video if fashion. I miss that show. But I'm glad at least Nylon is back on track with doing some proper articles that are actually interesting.

Phillip Lim came out with a Green collection called... wait for it... Go Green Go. Simple and cute, just like the clothes. The 10 piece collection is ethically produced from undyded, untreated, organic cotton and sustainable silk. Glad that I don't need to depend on just Stella Mccartney for ecological clothes.

On another note, but in the same beat, Alexander McQueen is still absolutely brilliant.

I need to start exercising more or something, so that I can look good for swimsuit season.... and I also need a new swimsuit. Fucke me sideways.

I bought one of the Dresses from Jovovich-Hawk for Target. Yes it is the one in the picture. Yes I can not wait till spring time so that I can wear it everywhere. This will definately be the summer of dresses and shorts... I've allready got it all planned out. Soft colors, lots of patterns, a couple big hats, totaly 70's carefree.

I had a dream about fuck face the other night and it really got to me. It was a ridiculously obvious metaphor for our whole relationship and it was not a happy dream. But it left me longing, it left me wanting more. To once again have been put in the position of actually caring for him, and caring for him deeply completely threw me off. I miss feeling so deeply about someone, not him ofcourse, but just someone. That sheer sense of belonging together, like there is nothing else in the world.

I just found out that Erdem might have to go back to Turkey in 5 months and while I was upset, in the ended when thinking about it I said (not to him ofcourse) "eh I'll probably be bored with him by then anyway, so at least it will save me having to break up with him."

I hate the fact that women still trust him.