Oh man I am such a retard. I almost starting freaking out cause I thought I lost my phone. Last time I remember using it was when I was on the phone with Bobbi last night, and then later I couldn't find it to save my life, so I figured I lost it, and I figured it must have fallen out of the car when I got out in my parking lot :( Meaning by now someone has either a. copped it or b. driven over it. Well nope, comes out that I left it on the coffee table last night as I was eating ice cream. Maaaaaaaan.... I'm a bear with a very little mind.
Last night was michief night, and well I couldn't let it go uneventful. So I grabbed Justins Ninja mask, packed Nick and Jane into my car and drove to my old work office (from where I got fired). When I used to work there for a really long time once a week someone would put soap into the little fountain in the garden (which is inside the building) and the whole thing would go nuts with bubbles. This went on till the person got caught and fired. Well I decided to wear the Ninja Mask becuase they have cameras in the building, and I needed to use their soap (didn't feel like buying my own) and I also wore my leather gloves. No breaking and entering needed cause I still have the key to the building. Walk in, bathroom, get soap, pour into fountain, jet the fuck out, jump into car and scream at Jane to pull out!!! Hahahahahahhahahahaha it was a shit load of fun, even if I did need 2 shots of Whiskey for courage first. Smoked a dutch after to celebrate as well (probably why I was so retarded and forgot what I did with my phone when I got home).

At home I came upon another problem. I WAS CRAVING ICE CREAM. All we had in the fridge was some gross non fat frozen Yogurt thing and regular Dulce de Leche....... Allright so I'm a bad vegan and ended up having some Ducle de Leche, but now I know that I need to go out and buy some Vegan ice cream. This task ofcourse has to involve some research... cause I really don't feel like having to go through every kind of ice cream at whole foods, or having to read the ingridients on like 20 items. And so the search begins. I'm hearing good things about Purely Decadent by Turtle Mountain seems to be what everyone out there is ranting and raving about, so I guess that's what I'll be hunting for at the grocery store.

Now I need to decide if I should go out tonight for a drink in the name of Halloween. Salut to the ghosts and ghouls of veganism!

So my heart hit the fan and splattered into little pieces all over the floor. I have no doubts about Levi being a lying and cheating piece of shit anymore. Last friday while we were smoking a dutch in the car during a party Nick told me a little story about the time Liz got raped while sleeping on top of Levi, not by Levi, but by Sherwin. This proves that a. He did have something going on with Liz, and b. that he didn't think of me the way I thought he did. I was supposed to be his best friend, the person that he can tell anything to, and well someone getting raped on top of you is something that I consider being something that you'd tell your best friend about, especially since your best friend has even told you (in detail) about the time that she was raped herself. Then saturday while at the Mill Hill I get a phone call from Yanni saying that Levi and Liz are at a party together. Didn't take long for them to find eachother I guess. Eh honestly they probably never lost contact in the first place. It hurts like a bitch, and not because I want to get back together with him, hell fucking no, not now, not ever, but because it's a bitch to find out that the person you've loved and cared for for so fucking long has been lying to you the whole fucking time. I swear to god that if I ever see Liz out I'll knock her fucking teeth in cause the only reason she did it is as revenge for when I slep with Nick, even tho they were on a break at that time. Bitch is gonna eat dirt. And him? I wouldn't even fucking wste my energy on his ass.

Ty is also an idiot. Douche thought that I was trying to be his "wifey" cause I called him drunk one night in the need to talk. No one is trying to be your wifey, I'm not part of your little fan club. I'm, or was, supposed to be your best friend. Remember all the fucking nights that I spent sitting on the phone with you cheering you up when Ape ripped your heart out and had a dance party on it? Yeah, well fuck you too then.

I'm looking for a new job cause I absolutely hate the one I have right now. And since Eye and Ben broke up I might be getting a place with Eye. It's a newly developing idea, but maybe it'll work out. I'll have to have a talk with my parents about it first.

I hope things turn for the better soon, or maybe they allready have.

So winter season is coming, and it's about time to start rocking some awesome new hats to keep our ears warm. I found these awesome, and I really mean awesome hats by the Goorin Brothers. There are so many to choose from, and they're not that pricey at all. They are all truly original and I promise you, none of your friends own anything like it, so you can be the coolest kid on the block hands down.

So after reading Skinny Bitch which is what originally got me into this whole Vegan thing it boggled me that they would recommend changing up my toothpaste into something more natural. As a newbie I couldn't imagine giving up my Aquafresh for something "organic" imagining it to be gross and weird and just too much. But today I stumbled across an article on organic tooth pastes and it looks like it may not be as tragic as I thought. I'm definately willing to give Jason Powersmile a shot as long as he can fight off the stains on my teeth that I acquire from coffee and smoking. If not then maybe Toms of Maine will do a better job. Check out the article, there some other options listed in it. And bookmark the writer, she seems to be eco friendly and into trying out new products just like me :)

So I guess it was actually a lot easier then I thought it would be. Last night after work I met up with Ty, we’ve decided to make peace since I bitched him out the week before, and I apologized for it, and he said he understands. I picked him up from the All Call, and he was already pretty damn trashed, and considering I was unable to find other substances in the area I decided to do some catching up. Double shot of Whiskey please. From there we go on a more extensive search for Marijuana only to end up at the Mill Hill and drinking some more. Tod was ecstatic cause the Raiders won (or was it Ryder? Who gives a fuck, go Eagles) and everyone was just in a good mood. We drank some more, had a blast talking, things got a bit sad for a moment (he’s still in pain from the bitch that cheated on him and dumped him a year ago), but it was overall upbeat and we had fun. Then we drove around and ended up parking the car in my parking lot. Seats leaned back, eyes met, and we began kissing…... very passionately. One thing led to another and we ended up in the back seat with no clothes below the belt, oh wait no, I think he left his socks on, hahahaha. Levi definitely passed through my mind quite a few times, but it was just as many times as the thought of a. god damn, I forgot how big Tys member is, and b. this is pretty damn awesome, so the experience ended up being 65%good and only 35% bad, which is miraculous considering I expected it to be 100% tragic. Just as things started to get really great my car alarm goes off………… how the fuck did my car alarm go off? I’m in the back seat not even touching anything. Shit caught me the fuck off guard. I somehow manage to turn it off…. I don’t even know how I did that and we go back to doing what we were doing. Then we hear a knock on the window and look up and one of my neighbors is standing right there smoking a cig.
“Do you live here?”
“Uhhhhh, yes I do.”
“Well would you mind going inside then cause it’s kind of gross for me to have to listen to you fucking when I’m trying to sleep.”
“Oh, well I’m sorry.”
“You should be glad I didn’t call the cops.”
“I said I’m sorry.”
And she walked off……. What a fucking weird night. Hahahahahahhaa, nothing to do but laugh about it tho.

Point of the story: I had the best fucking morning of my life today, even tho I didn’t go to sleep till like 2am and woke up at 7:30. I’ve been awake, happy, upetty, doing random cheers while driving, throwing my hands up into the air in joy, singing, dancing… I am simply the epitome of happy right now, and boy does it feel great. Things are looking up, a lot. I just hope Levi will get to feel the way that I feel right now, and I hope that he gets to have it soon.

"His hands on my hips, lips on my neck, one hand pushing away my hair. I stood like a statue, my drink in my hands, eyes wide open, rigid. Hot breath on cool back. I closed my eyes, let my head roll back to lay on shoulder. I turned my face to his mouth.

I moved to face him. He held handfuls of gold, we stumbled without going anywhere, the record ended. I clung to his belt loops, then wrapped my hand around the back of his neck, bit his lower lip. We swayed like marathon dancers.

I pulled off his T-shirt. Kissed the meat of his arm. We fell onto the couch, and I was covered, smothered, the world gone dark. His back was wide, unmeasurable by my hands.

My eyes closed, vision flickered: the suf, a scorpion, Kelly's hand around vodka bottle, his eyes the day of the suicide train, a man hanging, a palm leaf.

We revolved, lay side by side, his hand held my breat through the gold, rubbe nipple with thumb. Hardness in his jeans against my belly. He was long enough to show above his waistband, and I swiped the pearl off the tip, licked my finger. His hand climbed my inner thigh, then cupped me.

I gathered my skirt, pulling up gold, pushing down panties, and we looked into each other's eyes. Our eyes were close in the shadows, wet, dilated. The crackle of condom wrapper. I waited, watched.

He rolled on top, put just the head in, and paused. I could feel his heartbeat down there. That alone was almost too much. Suddenly he was in to the hilt. He barely had to move. Closer to the end, I wanted more. Imagined him with the power to where he was in my mouth at the same time, like a unicorn."

Excerpt from Here Kitty Kitty by Jardine Libaire.

As I took a bath and read more of the book for the fifth time I realized that I can not have sex with anyone anymore. It seems so dramatic but rather it's romantic. After having made love to someone that I loved for a year it would be pointless to have sex, I would not enjoy it. It would not be the same, there would always be somehting missing. I have fucked for the sake of fucking before, but it was a different time and place. I wonder if we will ever be together again, I wonder if I will ever fall in love with someone else, I wonder if I should allow myself to, I wonder if I could allow myself to.

I went insane last night, if Ben hadn't been there to talk me down it would've become the rolling in the grass screaming at the moon kind of insane, like I have been before. I was going insane and he was trying to call me but I didn't know. I knew nothing, I was lost in my madness. He didn't leave a voicemail. I still have his old voicemails saved, so if I ever need to hear his voice, if I ever need the comfort of his words they'll be there. I can't listen to them right now tho, not yet.

Fucking excited! I got the writing gig for DCODED. They're going to oficially contact me soon. I can't wait to get started. Now it's time to take a shower and go shopping. Woohoo!

I swear, men are the most confusing spiecies currently inhabiting this planet.
L dissapears for two days, then randomly appears, calls apologizes for having dissapeared, says he misses me and says that we need to talk but it needs to be in person. We arrange to meet at the Diner at 6, but I change my mind and ask for the Mill Hill. Alcohol has become my friend these days and I plan on medicating myself with it as much as possible.

Then T, all the times he's talked about how much he wants to do me, and how great of a fuck he is, and then when I say "hey let's do it" he's all like why? What the fuck do you mean why? Because I fucking want to, but if you don't someone else does. Stop playing stupid fucking games just cause you have 20 other chics trying to do you too, especially since the only reason that's even available to you is becuase I told you who to be and how to act to get it.

Now that I have a new phone next on the agenda is getting a new camera, then a new ipod, then a lap top, and after that I'm stocking up on house shit and then I'm saving up money and getting my own place. 100% my own tho. No roomates, no boyfriends, no nothing. I don't want to see or speak to fucking anyone. This might take a few more months but god damn it I will get there.

So I really really want to get those earings, I don't care how ridiculous anyone may think I would look with them, I like em, and whatever I like I find a way to pull off. But I need them to be real gold. Hopefully I can find a decent pair for under $100. Actually no, fuck that, hopefully I can find a decent sugar daddy to buy me custom ones with Ala Mode written inside them for $770. :) Hey like I always say if you're going to do something then do it all the way.

On another note comes out that I should really invest some money in another book. Becoming Vegan: The Complete Guide to Adopting a Healthy Plant-Based Diet is the name. Time to put those Borders Rewards dollars to some good use.

Also I just found a couple random blogs that might be worth checking out: Punky Style Fashion and I Like Her Style!.

Oh and BTW a must read for everyone on the planet is Here Kitty Kitty by Jardine Libaire, it is my all time favorite book, I have just bought my 3rd copy (some one stole the previous two, can't blame them, it's just so freaking good) and am reading it all over again...... too good for words.

Engrossing myself deeper and deeper into the “oh so clean and fresh” but quite insane world of being vegan I think the next step to take is cosmetics. Enter Stella McCartney. She has begun a line of cosmetics called CARE which is now available at Sephora. The line is all organic and natural and is made up of face skin care products. It includes a face wash ($35), makeup remover ($35), Tonic ($35), Moisturizers ($76) and other products as well. While it is kind of pricey, it is not ridiculous, and I think generally well worth it. I haven’t had the chance to test the products out yet, but I’ll let you know as soon as I do. I’m planning on ordering the four piece trial sized Discovery Set ($38) as soon as I get paid.

Earlier in the week my wallet broke. It has been hanging onto it's last breath for some time now (the outside is all cracked, and the inside material is tearing), the final straw was the zipper breaking, meaning I can no longer carry change...... and I have a lot of coins. So onto buying a new wallet. I am very specific about wallets, just like purses they need to be big, to fit all my cards, movie ticket stubs, change, money, receipts, check book, busienss cards, coupons, and other things. Considering I just went vegan it has to be a cruelty free wallet. I thought it was going to be a pain in the ass trying to find something suitable, but to my suprise it really wasn't. Alternative Outfitters has exactly what I want, and it's pretty freaking hot too, a faux aligator black clutch wallet. So it's the size I need, super cute, and cruelty free, it must cost a crap load of money huh? Kaboom, not at all it's only $24!!! too good to be true, but it's totally not. I am so totally in love. Baby steps, but one day I'll be cruelty free. Well besides Levi, I don't think he will ever go fully vegan.