This weekend was slightly revolutionary. I cheated on Levi. I lost a lot of respect and affection for him. I gained a great new friend. And became more comfortable with myself, and with the idea of being single again.

Cheating:
Friday after New Penn I drove an hour to Parsippany, NJ to meet up with Gene, who was there on business for the weekend. We went out to a club/bar and had a pretty good amount of drinks. We danced, and we had a blast. It really was amazing that we felt so comfortable around one another even thought it was the first time we have ever met in person. There was no awkwardness, just good laughs, and conversation. An attraction was also obvious. Once we got kicked out we went back to his hotel, I was in no state to drive an hour and a half home so I crashed with him in his room. He is a superiorly attractive spiecies. Tall, well groomed, well taken care of body, superbly dressed. Big brown eyes with long lashes, pillow soft-full lips. He wore dark jeans, a striped button up, armani belt, and fab dress shoes. You'd almost think that a man so well dressed would be gay. We watched TV, but only paid attention to it for a short while. We kissed, and began stripping one another of clothing, both ended up with the lower part of our undergarments in place. It was extremely passionate and sweet, but we didn't have actual intercourse. In the morning he woke up at 8am because he had to be at work by 9, I watched him get ready, and before leaving he sat down on the edge of the bed, cuddled, told me I'm beautiful, kissed me some more and left. I went back to sleep only to wake up at 10 and get in my car and drove home.

This is where things get complicated I guess. I told Levi that I spent the night but got a seperate hotel room. He was upsat I didn't tell him ahead of time that I will be spending the night with this guy he doesn't know, but he got over it pretty quickly and hasn't really mentioned it since, and ignores it mostly when I mention the evening. I don't regret what I did, I don't feel bad about it, I don't have a guily concious, or anything. I kind of feel bad for not feeling bad and for lying, but even that is so minimal that it's silly. Levi hasn't been living up to his half of the agreement that is made when you start a relationship. We are not equals. I put more effort into the relationship, I am the only one putting in effort to better our lives together, all he does is sleep on Nicks couch, smoke pot, drink, watch tv, play video games, and he tells me how much he loves me, and how amazing I am, and how much I mean to him and how he's nothing without me. I used to try but I no longer can argue with the fact that he really would be nothing without me. I mean no, that's a bit harsh. He has his "kind of" friends and what not, but no one, and I mean no one will put up with him the way i do, and no one will care about him as much as I, and no one will try to help him as much either. And the thing is that I don't mind doing all of this, I really don't, as long as I eventualy see some sort of outcome. But there hasn't been any. 8 months of attempts and not even a step has been taken forward. Not even a baby one. He dug himself a grave and is refusing to crawl out of it for whatever reason that he refuses to tell me. I hate it, he locks himself up and doesn't talk to me about anything that is bothering him ever, always claiming that he's tired of talking about it to everyone, and that he wishes i would just let him relax and comfort him. I can't do that tho, I can't just sit back and enjoy the ride. It's not an enjoyable ride. And him locking himself up from me makes me feel like maybe I should lock him out too, and theat I should keep secrets and then I feel myself drifting away from him. And he has no energy to follow me, and try to hold on to me. Like a baby. When I let go of his hand so that he can find his own way and I begin walking hoping he'll follow he doesn't, he just stands in place. I love the guy, I really do, I love him to death, but I can't help but to feel that I'd be better off without him. Or maybe not better, but that it really wouldn't make a difference. Like the difference would be: I wouldn't be calling the same person 5 times a day, I wouldn't have to squeeaze in time to see him during the week and being late to work. I'd have a lot less stress, I'd not have to lie to my pops, I wouldn't get grief from him for dating a loser.
But I always think about the fact that I'm supposed to stay with him through the bad times and the good times right? Like if I don't then I'm a shitty girlfriend, like whenever thigns dont go as planned i bounce that's not cool but how long can things go wrong for before you at least fucking try and fix it at least try damn it stop slacking and being lazy and sitting around on your ass grrrrrr whatever that is life

the whole point is that i actually imagined what it would be like dating a different man
one that is stable and settled and capable of providing me with some sort of security
like i am ready to settle down in life
to start building a home
maybe not yet a family or anything but a home for sure
i want to come home to my man and cook him dinner
i want to lay in bed at night and read my book with him lying next to me reading a sports magazine or some shit
and i dont think levi can provide me with that
or any other form of security
and i want some
i want to be with an adult
most of all i just simply want to feel safe

I pooped and it made me light headed, and like my whole body tingled. It was really weird. Ever since I feel drouzy. I don't know what is going on. Periods make my body act funny. I wish I could remove my uterus like my mom did. It might be broken anyway. I wonder if it broken then will they let me remove it. Like if I can't have kids anyway then why have a uterus and go through the pain of periods. I'd probably have to take estrogen pills tho. But maybe they'll make my titites grow. That would be awesome. I still really want to get a boob job. I asked Levi if i can get butt implants and he said sure but he'd make fun of me all the time for having them. He likes my butt just fine the way it is right now so I guess there is no need. But I do want mroe awesome boobs none the less. But not till I loose weight and look top notch. The day that I post a bikini pic of me on myspace and get an offer for porn is the day I will get a boob job. Not to do the porn ofcourse, I only do classy photos silly, but becuase at that time I will know that this is as good looking as I'm going to get... unless I get bigger titties. I guess that mac n chz + bologne sammich w/ extra chz didn't really help the cause. Oh well. I walked to WAWA to get them in high hills, that should count for something. and later im going to the dentist, no food for ala. Will need more diet pills. Besides my digestive system has been awesome for the past two days, yesterday I pooted 4 times, 4 times, that's a lot of poo. And I allready pooted once today. Maybe I'll do it at least once more. I do still have that Activia yogurt and that's supposed to make you poo.

Mr Octopus is my friend.

I am so mad at the gas station attendant by my house. I asked my dad for $10 to get some gas for my car (I was borderline empty and needed to get out of the house, and am like $60 negative in the bank). My dad grabbed his wallet, counted out some bills, and handed them to me. I stashed them in my purse, got in my car, and went to the gas station. Then I told the dude to put in ten and gave him the dollars. I never coutned the money considering my dad did, and so I figured it was exactly 10 bucks. Well my pops just called me and was like so did you put the 18 to good use? ................ Douchebag McGee gas guy. I wanna beat him up. Especially I totaly could have used that extra eight for more gas, cause now I'm not sure if I'll have enough till wednesday to get to work and back. Fuckignaghjaghjaghjajkafhahfkjahfjkasfhafhkfhfhkafhak

You get the point

There are so many random ass people at work today, I no likey. and moron mcgee aka patty started today too. i hope they catch on to her stupidity asap so that she stops bugging me. i am not nor will i ever be your bff. you stupid, fat, ugly woman that beats her kids, considering her brain is about as developed as a five year old. in short I just don't like her.

over the weekend i was musing about the future socialites.


Hailie Matters - Eminems daughter. I really hope that she does not get knocked up earlie and fall off the radar. I want her to go out and party her ass off. Experiment with drinking. Try to put an album. Do a couple of movies. Basically I want her to be the new nicole richie. I think it would be brilliant. can't wait.