The last few days I've felt weird. Kind of unlike myself. Kind of lost. And kind of, I don't even know. Starting with friday night when I got drunk out of my mind at a party, got up on a table and started dancing then proceded that with flashing my boobs to like 20 or more guys who were watching. As crazy as I am that's kind of out of character to me. Then the next day while completely hung over I was considering screwing the cable guy, just because I was bored and kind of wanted to bang and heeeeeeeey he was right there and was funny. Then today I randomly started thinking about Levi again, not because I miss him or anything. But I was just thinking about the time when I scooped him up in the morning and we got a six pack of Magic Hat No 9 and some Chinese for breakfast and then ate it at his house. It was the first time where I got to just hang out with him at his parents house. It felt special. And while at the moment it's not conjuring up any emotions I just don't feel like I should be thinking about it. Like I said I just don't feel like me. I feel like some different person. Like I'm out of body. I stopped smoking pot, other then like two slip ups that I've had, and I'm not stressed out like I thought I would be, and I don't exactly miss it or anything, but maybe that's why I feel so funny. It was a kind of big part of my every day life and now it's just gone. I almost feel like crying, but then I have nothing to really cry about and so I feel like I have no right to cry. All of if just makes me feel silly. Like I should smack myself and get over it.

Anyways, I better get in the shower and clean up my room. I have to go pick up Erdem from the airport.

A quick update
I've spent the whole day at home sick even tho I was supposed to go to New York for the Internship, and did have a date set up with Erdem for afterwards, but my health is more important.
Meanwhile I think I killed the possibility of getting anything out of the internship, as in a permanent job, but that's ok, it will still look really good on my resume. And who knows, maybe if I start working some magic I can still get in.
What I should be worried about is getting into FIT insteady... but I'm still using the my life is too hectic at the moment excuse.
Erdem is still amazing. He's going away for a couple of days but I'll be picking him up from the airport on Sunday to make up for our missed date today. Besides it's his fault I'm sick in the first place.
Everyone is going to Kat Man Du tonight..... and god damn it I wanna go too! But that would defeat the purpose of having stayed home all day. ............ I'll think about it some more.
Andrew is leaving next week for the army. It's so freaking sad that we are all trying not to think about it. We're all extremely worried, and just miserable about the fact that one of our closes, most dearest friends is leaving! He's the glue that holds us together, he's our voice of reason, and he is our intellect. We'll be lost without him.

Last Saturday I went over to my sisters house to spend a couple of days over there with her since I had nothing to, she's going thru a rough time and I had to be in New York on Sunday and Monday anyway.

She made plans for us to go out with some of her friends from work to a club. All of her friends from work are guys. So we got dressed up.


The club was pretty cool, but it's coolness factor rose times a million when I started dancing with one of Ola's coworkers... and shortly after I feel in love. We started dancing and then just kind of never stopped. Till he walked me upstairs that is where we had our first kiss... which was spectacular, even if I was drunk.

After I almost got us kicked out of the club we decided to leave anyway. Erdem had to drive since Eugene (another coworker), Ola and I were too drunk to do so, and Eugenes car was at our house and Erdem just doesn't have one.



More kissing, more falling in love, and then sleep like a dead person. I never made it to New York on Sunday, but Sunday night I did make it to Erdems apartment... and I didn't even get lost. He's spectacular. He's 26, from Turkey, has been in America for 3 years, he's an engineer at one of the top Architectural firms in New York right now (at the moment he's working on the design of an 80story building). We watched a movie, and then talked for over 2 hours. We like the same music, and just get along great, the conversation flowed like a knife through melted butter. Then when he kissed me as I was about to leave... he kissed my neck and I got a shover across my whole body, he kissed my lips and I thought I was going to fly away from the butterflies in my stomach, he held me close and kept kissing me and I felt like I really was floating cause I did not feel my legs. I had to get out of there quickly before I did something that would've ruined the sweetness and purity, since we both wanted it.

The next day we both spent working, but we messaged eachother sporatically. I made me some dinner... and then we made plans for dinner on Thursday. He is perfect. I want to fold him into a tiny square and keep him in a locket around my neck. I have not gone this gaga for a guy since I was like 10 years old and used to fall in love with the cutest boy in whatever town I was vacationing in. He wouldn't even have to talk to me, or even look at me, but I'd find him (he was usually blond) and lock all my hopes and love on him. Then everywhere I went for the rest of the vacation I would constantly search the crowds in hopes of spotting him. I rarely did. I never spoke to them. But I loved them all. I feel like I'm ten again, just this time I actually talk to him, and he's not blond. Haha. I could've never asked for more.

The date went ok... but here is a rule for dudes, just cause you get away with a kiss doesn't mean you can start grabbing everything that's around.

I keep getting more and more confident all the time. So confident in fact that for the first time in like... ever I feel comfortable enough to post pictures of myself in full view while wearing a bikini. Yes ma'am. The outfit is what I wore on the date the blue bikini is what I wore underneath.






Didn't have the energy to get to new york today so I called out, I need to go there tomorrow, sunday and monday anyway. Hopefully due to all that working it will be a cheap weekend. The only thing hurting my pocket should be the drive to my sisters house. I spent most of the day at Crystal diner, 5 hours to be exact. Unable to make up my mind wether or not I wanted Levi to show or not to show. I mean I guess it's good that we haven't run into each other, but there is always that possibility of running into him, and the suspense is killing me and I think I just rather get it over with. I don't really have any expectations... unfortunately the realization that I never knew him at all is making me unable to presume what may or may not happen. It's like a blank canvas. And while I might have made some preliminary sketches... I haven't been able to put down anything permanent.

Was supposed to chill with Ty but he decided to stay home. Rain date is tomorrow.

I'm almost out of cigarettes... and don't really feel like spending money on another pack.

I wonder if I could survive a week without smoking a cig, a dutch, or drinking alcohol. What if I took my vices away... what would happen. Unfortunately I'm constantly in an environment where that is made to be extremely difficult... and I haven't had any urge for self control. I've become controling with my diet... maybe once I get it down packed I can apply the same principles to other aspects of my life. But till then I will be... not an addict, and not dissfunctional, but I guess I will be under the influence, or viced. Haha, I came up with a word.

So I'm going on a date today. It has to be a lunch date due to conflicting schedules, but it's definately not just a friendly get together. Well it has been ages since I've gone on a date with a guy that I haven't had sex with yet. I usually have sex then date later... which is the totaly wrong way of going about shit. So I decided to go over the rules of first dates... and well so far I came up with:
1. Don't have sex with the guy on the first, second, third, fourth, or fifth date... this may be a difficult one
2. Don't tell them your depresssing life story unless you want them to run the opposite direction, no one likes a lot of baggage
3. Don't be your typical alcoholic, as in no drinks on a lunch date damn it.
Considering that's all I was able to come up with I decided to ask Nick for some advice as well. Here is what he said
4. Don't fart
5. Don't wear a hoochie skirt
6. Be on your good behaviour but be yourself
7. Don't interupt him
8. Don't just talk about yourself

And now I just came across dating advice from Carmen Electra.

So now that I've read all the rules I guess it's time to take a shower and get ready, I still need to finish doing laundry too.

The holidays came and went.
Misio started them off by being handicapped... poor guy kept running into everything with that thing on his head, I felt terrible, even if it was only for one day.



I started off by perfecting the art of the Manhattan, which quickly becmae my new favorite drink. I mean really, you can't make Jameson more classy then that.


There was Karaoke at Perrys



There was Bens birthday party, which was really nice. I baked a Pear and Chocolate Mousse Pie, it was delish, unfortunately no picture. We smoked, we drank, and then we passed out. But we looked damn cool doing it all.




Then I actually had to buy all the gifts... it took a lot less time then one would have thought.


Then we actually had christmas. In my family we celebrate on Christmas Eve a lot more then Christmas day. That's when we have a big dinner and open all the presents. Christmas day we just eat breakfast together, and that's kind of that.







Then there was New Years Eve. I went to a local house party, looking as great as ever, in a sequin dress and a fur coat, only to almost be forced to get in a fight with a group of chics because they hate fur. If you hate fur so much then why are you wearing leather? Peoples stupidity amazes me. I became the talk of the party, got bored, and left. Instead I went to Eye and Bens house and slept on their couch till I was called back to pick everyone up. I didn't even get drunk.


And now it's time to start a new year. Tomorrow I'm taking my car into the shop to get some body work done from a car accident a month and a half ago. I wanna clean it up before I go... I should start the new year with a clean car.

My goal for 2008 is to get on my way to living the way that I want to live. First I just need to figure out exactly what that is. I mean I have this great blue print of what I should do, and I know that it's the right way, the way to success, but I'm not sure if it's the right way for me. I've never taken the straight line forward... and it has never served me well. So I guess it's time to get serious about my future.

Another resolution is to not drink as much as I do. Limit drinking only to weekends, and never too ridiculous. Champagne friday is still champagne friday, and then Whiskey on Saturday, but that's that.

Oh yeah, I also am going to try and not talk about Levi as much. If I stop talking about him then maybe I also won't think about him as much. Then maybe he'll loose his ability to hold me back.

Keep reading books as much as possible.

Do as much as possible at Patricia Field so that maybe they'll a. give me some awesome project b. hire me full time.

Keep studying for the bar tending test and get my license.

Move to New York City.

Take classes at FIT.

Vouch to be as happy as possible at all times.

Keep worshipping PJ Harvey as much as possible.