I'm still moving. Still going away. Still taking care of stuff. Still packing. And I'm also about to take a nap. I doubt Rich will call me about that cake. I doubt I'll be going to the bar. I dunno, maybe I will go anyway. I can always call Nick.

So I am planning out my trip to Cali with Za Boys. Nicholas, Christopher, and maybe Andrew. I love those 3 men. I really really do. We will be leaving on the 3rd. We should be arriving around the 7th or 8th, depending on how many stops we decide to make. It's 43 hours of actual driving, but I am sure we will want to see some stuff on the way, plus there is food stops, and pee stops, and motels, etc. It shall be fun. Lots of fun. And then they will stay with me in San Francisco for a couple days so that we can party it up, an I will be shipping them back either on Monday the 9th or Tuesday the 10th. I am so psyched about the whole ordeal. I'm ready to start packing and everything!

On that note here are some pictures from Friday night, and one of Mac from last night. In order of being taken:

Yanni

Nicholas Sparks

Daniel Alshouse

Sherwin and Nicholas in the background

Michelle

Shannon and Christopher Robin

The beloved Levi

The very drunk Ala

and MackDizzle Fo Shizzle

OMG!!!!!

These 2 guys, straight out of India just came into my work. One of them has this disqusting ear hair. Imagine a hairy guys armpit. Now put that up to his ear. Yup... that's exactly it. It is so disqusting, but one of those things that you can't stop staring at.

I am having the best social life ever lately. I hang out with Nick and Co. every weekend. We party every friday and saturday night and then go to the movies on sundays. Levi also hangs out sometimes, as does Sahara. Me and Levi are about as much friends as humanly possible at the moment.

My parent's are stuck on trying to ruin the fun. And so it looks like they will get their way because I am doing the best possible to move to Cali as soon as I can, aka January. I want to spend christmas with the fam still.

Califooooooorniaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa here I cooooooooooooooooooome!!!! oooooooooo

shit is way too fucking crazy for my taste

Everybody is more psyched up about the shit Dave did then I am, and trying to get me to go to the cops. I'm too lazy. And don't feel like fucking depressing myself over some douche.

I got in a fucking fight last night with Ty. That fucking boy drives me up the fucking wall. Oh i like you i like you but i also like this skank, but she don't like me, woe me. I have no idea what the hell keeps me coming back. Other then good sex ofcourse, but shit all the drama wouldn't be worth it even if he was my babys daddy.

And oh yeah I'm no longer fucking blond. My natural hair color is some fucked up light brown now. And I told Lauara to do my natural color and now I am fucking brunette. Fucking depressing as shit. I'm gonna keep tying my hair back and hoping nobody notices.

I've cried 3 fucking days in a row now and today will be the 4th. Fuck this shit.

ask me no questions and I will tell you no lies

The world around me has gone crazy.

There is the house situation. My parents are broke, even tho I can not figure out how this one came about. I was planning on moving out with my sisters, but I don't think that is going to happen. And so until I go to school I am getting a full time job, and trying to get one with benefits as well considering that until I go back to school I don't have medical coverage.

There is the school issue. I wanted to delay but everyone has made me realise that the more I delay the more likely I will never go. And so I am going to go for the next available term, well the next available other then the October one which is sitll available. Crazy huh? Yeah I know. But San Francisco it is.

There is the shit that happened with Dave in Niagara Falls. I talked to Leon about it last night. He is the only person on this earth, other then Dave and I that knows the whole story. He also gave me a wonderful perspective on why what happened did happen. I am so fucking happy/lucky to have a friend as great as him, really am. There were some tears, but then some laughs, and now I really do feel better. And I am also sure that I never wish to speak to Dave again, regardless of how much he tries to apologize.

Today when I got home from the grocery store I found a business card from a detective in the Lawrenceville Police Department. And now I am a kind of a witness to an incestial rape that happened over two years ago. That's pretty crazy if you ask me.

I also talked to Detrick today. He is dating the trashiest fucking girl that I have ever known my whole life. I mean like super filth. I don't get it. How can you go from dating me to something like that. I asked but he didn't want to talk about it. We're supposed to hang out tomorrow, and he's supposed to explain tomorrow. Also he is moving to Las Vegas in a week. :( Sucks. But hey at least when I get to San Fransico I will not be that far, I could just rent a car and go visit him.

Ha... I think that's it for right now. But that on it's own is enough to make me gon insane. Yet somehow I have been very stable and balanced, for the first time in my life probably. Ty and I are talking again. I'm applying to FIDM as soon as I get back from Poland. I have a great friend in Leon. I'm getting really good at ignoring Dave. And I should have a full time job when I get back from Poland. And oh yeah, I'm going to Poland, what a fucking relief. While at the same time I have so much stuff that I have to do while I am there. But that's for another round. Time to go to work now.

I've been feeling like shit lately. I feel massively obese, like as obese as I could fucking get. I feel busted as well. Every time I go out, to a club, a bar, anywhere social, all of my girlfriends will get hit on left and right, and me? Nada, Zero, Nothing. Maybe some older, busted man, but that's it. All the hot guys that I would love to talk to walk past me and don't even look at me for longer then a few seconds. What the fuck is that about?

Dave and I have agreed to just stay as friends.
We believe that it is for the best because we would totoally not work out together.
We are both looking for two diffirent things in life right now.
He wants to have a wife.
I want to have some fun.
But we want to stay friends because we have an awesome time together.
He's a great conversationalist and a great cuddler.
Besides I think i'm having trouble involing myself with men these days.
Actually more like since Levi days.
Unless ofcourse the guy treats me like shit and stuff, then I'm head over hills.
What the fuck is my problem anyway?
Levi was the biggest douche ever and I still love him.
Ty was an even bigger fucking douche and I still wanna makeup and be friends, maybe more.
And why is the sex with the assholes always the fucking best.
That's another thing that I need.
Dick.
But I am not willing to settle for shitty dick.
I want Ty back as a fuck buddy.
That sex was damn good.
I'd also take Levi or Nick if the situations were diffirent.
But the way things are rolling now those two suckers better stay the fuck away from me.
Well, no, not Nick, Nick is cool peoples, just his girl needs to shut her fucking mouth.
Marta and I should jump that dirty whore.
That would be fun.
A little best friends bonding time.
Fucking a whore up.
Back to the main idea tho.
I need to get fucking laid.
Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
I need to get the fuck out of here.
Move to LA.
Meet some hot and sexy rockstars.
And have them fuck my brains out.
Damn it.
Even masturbating is starting to loose it's flare.
I mean you can only do that shit for so long.
I'm just angry about my sex life man.
And the only ones willing I am soooooo not interested in.
Jesus Christ.
Where did all the hot men go?

Once upon a time, about a year ago...




I drank half a bottle of tequila by myself that night. What a fucking douche he is/was.





These used to be my girls. One of the most dramatic group I've ever known. Especially with the addition of these two...







This was my hair a year ago





That was basically my whole life a year ago. Being in love with Levi, trying to keep my friendship with Marta alive, constant arguments with Eye, Sherri, Yanni, and Jessica, and ofcourse also lots and lots of cocaine. Worst time of my life.

I'm in a happy place.
After work I'm going to some party in Hamilton where there will be a crap load of people that I do not know, but it's ok, Dave is coming with me.
I hope that BJ comes through tomorrow night and we go to Show N Tell
In Psychology class I found that I have Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder, which is diffirent from regular OCD cause I can still function regularly.

Had an awesome awesome day. Once I got up I went and picked up Julie. We stopped by shop rite, picked up some groceries, made omletts and bacon. We also downed half a bottle of tequila. Once we were done with breakfast we went to the pool. They kept kicking us out of the water cause of thunder so we gave up and came back to the house. Now I am bout to take her home and go to class. I love this. Julie and I need to live together, forever.

The rafting trip was yesterday. I woke up an hour before my alarmclock rang and could not fall back asleep. A little bit of trauma running round in the beginning getting directions ready and everyone together. Lots of mishaps and stops on the way to the place. 2.5 hour trip.... + the stops. Ola came with Penny which was awesome because I love that dog. Boat 1: Dave, Ola, Me; Boat 2: Eric, Paul, Nicole; Boat 3: Meg, Justin, and guy who's name I don't remember [James I am told]; Boat 4 [polish boat]: Artie, Pawel, Olimpia, and another guy who's name I do not remember. We hooked the boats all together in the order given above and poor/sweet Dave did most of the paddeling with random help here and there from Eric. Dave and Eric jumped off a really high cliff. My nose is bright red and I have a sunglasses tan on my face.



Me likeing Dave is completely going against my norm. I usually like fuck ups with no jobs, no car, no dreams, etc. But he i completely diffirent. He has a job which he absolutely loves, like mentioning his job puts a smile on his face. He has a couple cars, just that one he is currently working on trying to make it better/hotter. He has goals in life. Right now I think that his biggest ambition is finding a wife. I do not believe that I am fit/willing to fill that spot, but I still do believe that it is a great thing. He is a very positive person, just like me. He seems to agree with Rousseau that man is born pure and good but is later corrupted by his enviornment. We agree and many, many morals, and social ideas the only places we slightly disagreed was where his religion came in and his faith made him disagree. That's the other thing, he is so beautifully religious, it is amazing. It is so rare to find a person which is so purely in love with their religion and follows it so fulheartedly. Especially in our generation. He has a tattoo on his shoulder saying "soldier for god". And oh yeah, he is learning to play the hearp. Come on ladies and gentelman, this guys is awesome. He is also very sweet, kind, caring, funny, and a great leader. And oh yeah, my sis approves.

When I am rich and famouse I want these pieces in my house.

The end

The knight in rusty armor came out to have a rusty brain as well, and in reality was just a big jester.
Total Levi situation in fast foreward.
Kinda mad at myself for letting it happen.
From now on I am completely shutting out what guys say and just watching out for what they actually do. They're all full of empty words and promises.
Jackasses.
But god fucking damn it, I need to finally get into a relationship with somebody, I'm being super duper lonely.
Roar.

Unable so lost
I can't find my way
Been searching, but I have never seen
A turning, a turning from deceit

Cos the child roses like
Try to reveal what I could feel

I can't understand myself anymore
But I m still feeling lonely
Feeling so unholy

Cos the child roses like
Try to reveal what I could feel
But this loneliness
It just won't leave me alone

I'm fooling somebody
A faithless path to roam
Deceiving to breath this secretly
This silence, a silence I can't bear

Cos the child roses like
Try to reveal what I could feel
And this loneliness
It just won't leave me alone
And this loneliness,
It just won't leave me alone, ohh no

A lady of war

A lady of war






My Knight in rusty armor has finally returned to me. He held me, and I once again felt safe, and did not want him to let go, and he didn't want to let go either, and it was perfect, or as perfect as things can be. At that moment I could not have asked for anything more.

Lover had to leave me
Cross the desert plain
Turned to me, his lady
Tells me "lover wait"
Calling jesus, please
Send his love to me
Oh, wind and rain may haunt me
Look to the north and pray
Send me, please, his kisses
Send them home today
I'm begging, jesus, please
Send his love to me
Left alone in desert
This house becomes a hell
This love becomes a tether
This room becomes a cell
Mommy, daddy, please
Send him back to me
How long must I suffer?
Dear god, I've served my time
This love becomes my torture
This love, my only crime
Lover please release me
My arms too weak to grip
My eyes to dry for weeping
My lips too dry to kiss
Calling, jesus, please
Send his love to me
I'm begging, jesus, please
Send his love to me

Here are some of my favorite/least embaressing photos from the Jello wrestling competition, moi against Richelle, she whipped my ass.






The shirtless guy on the left is the guy who's pants I wanted to jump into like you wouldn't believe, if only my ex hadn't been there with me. Maybe he'll be at the mud wrestling competition in August.

So I have decided that I when I move to LA I will become a suicide girl. No ifs, ands, or buts. So now all those boys that dated or whatever elsed me can be like "I dated/whatever elsed" a suicide girl. Hahaha. Nah but seriously, I think it's sexy. Also I want to become more active. You know like help out with greenpeace type of things, and AIDS awarness. I've been reading flaunts environmental issue and it's mad interesting and inspiring. Oh yeah, I need to get my application for FIDM sent out as soon as possible so that I can move to LA quickly. I might be able to get a room in a mini castle thingy for 1200 or so a month. That also means that I need to get my bartending license and work my fucking ass off when I get to LA so that I can make enough money to pay that kind of rent. Fucking A I'm gonna do this shit. Actually, I wan to sign up for bartending right now. Nigga what, mothua fucka I'm grown.

PS. I have decided to change my tactic. I am looking for a boyfriend. But I am not willing to settle for anything beneath me. Ty would have been perfect, but that ofcourse went to shits. Just my luck I guess eh?

I got really pissed at Olimpia today. Without actually meaning to and by simply being inconsiderate and not thinking she's butting into my personal life with my parents. Besides everyone has been pretty annoyed with the princess. In anger I got out the house and angrly drove to Crystal Diner. I was sitting there drinking my green tea, reading Fuse, and smoking my Marlboros and ended up having a conversation with this older man. He's very nice. I'm thinking something around his 60's. Another very old guy that is always there came in and joined into our conversation. One of the main reasons why I love Crystal is becuase of it's friendly atmosphere. After a while the sixty year old was paying me a few compliments, but thanks to my silly ignorance I brushed it off. When I was leaving he asked if I wanted to meet his dog which is in the truck. It's a very sweet brow pitbull. He gave me his phone number and told to call if I ever want to chat. Kind of creepy. He's a really nice guy tho, no I will not call, no way no how, but he was a nice guy, and I'm glad I got to talk to him it calmed me down. He seems like the kind of guy that will go to a strip club just for the company of a pretty girl and just to get to talk to her. I always get stuck with some sort of phedophile tho.

Friday nigth after work I went to Crystal with Mac. We had such a great time catching by that the time completely flew.

Saturday was fucking jell-o-palooza and it rocked so fucking hard you wouldn't believe. Hot ass fucking guys hitting on me left and right. Sexy sexy sexy rocker guy that I almost got with before the end of the night. The only thing that stopped me from doing so was that Detrick was with me. Stupid me for brining him along, but he had a grand time as well so it's cool. I wrestled and got my ass handed to me. I'm super sore and have a brused lip. Was drinking all night but didn't get drunk. Smoked some too but didn't get high. Weird. I've been drinking vodka for the past two days and I've been as sober as ever. Have no idea what's going on. Whatever, don't bother me none. But yeah. Jello is awesome, unless it dyes your toes and scabs green, but fuck that shit, i loved it. Wish I can do it again next year suckas.

Today was Jeremys going away party. I can't believe he's leaving for Iraq on friday. Totaly not not not cool. It's actually really scary. I told him he's not allowed to be brave, and if he sees fighting he has to run the other way. I'm considering some buh bye booty cause I want to see him again before he leaves. Jay Lee did the outline for my tribal tattoo on my back. It's freaking awesome. Super psyched. I fucking love it. He did really really good too, and it didn;t even really hurt. Bitch had me bent ova like nobodys business and I took it like a good little girl. Mwuahahahahha. Allright now, time for uhhhhhhh. something else.

Work was long as shit.
There was a lot of time between packs so I had time to read.
I got to what hopefully is the most depressing part of the book I am reading.
I don't think I can take anything worse then this.
Whores sucking dick for photoshoots.
Models shooting heroin between their toes.
A girl dying from coke whike sucking some guy off.
And he bitches at her for getting blood on his dick.
So much fucking coke.
It made me want to vomit.
So now I am sitting here drinking some flavored Stoli with orange juice.
I want to be hugged.
And today started out so promising.
My throat is so fucking nasted and infested it will make your stomach turn.

I got up at 7:30 today which is ridiculous cause it is the first day of my summer. But I had a visitor over starting from 7:45. It was nice. So far I've had a good day. No fever [oh tylenol how i love the], no gross sweating, no being super weak. Yeah, today was nice. Now It's time to get to work.

I wish we had Barney in Poland. Maybe then I would not be having all these issues with sharing. Sharing sucks. I've gotten over the whole sharing a closet, I'm just about over with sharing a room, but I do not like this whole sharing friends. They're my friends. It took me a very long time to find them, to become close to them. What the hell gives you the right to make plans with them. Mine Mine Mine. And B's an asshole too. He came to get Olimpia and he didn't even come in to say hi to me. Uhm, excuse me? Was I not the one that is your original friend? That's fucked up. I lost my fucking virginity to you, you asshole. I think that's even more why this is bother me. I love B to death, I'm not in love with him, but I love him. He's my best friend, and because of everything that happened between me and him, and because we got through all teh bull and have remained friends I will always love him, and always have some sorth of feelings for him. I want to be the center of attention damn it.

Starting last night
I have strap throat.
It really sucks.
I have not had
fevers this high
ever since I was
little. I called my
doctor and she
sent me over some
antibiobiotics.
Ofcourse who is
now working at
my pharmacy but
my ex best friend,
Marta. We didn't
talk, I very much
did not feel like it.

I downloaded
Paris Hiltons song
Screwed. Suprisingly
I actually reall like
it, it's very catchy.

I hope that I feel
better tomorrow
becuase I have
a visitor coming
over in the morning
and I do not want to
be all nasty and
sick when he's here.

I can't belive that
Eye told him to
stop fucking me
when on the phone
with him. How is it
any of her buisness
who I screw? And
who is she to right
away assume that
just cause I hang out
with a guy I'm right
away fucking him.
That's bullshit. I'm
really angry about that.
The girl's got balls to
pull some shit like that
with me. I will fuck
whomever I want to
fuck.