So I have become obsessed with wanting a new purse. Something big, really big, simple yet metallic and rugged. Well I have found the answer to my prayers at AlternativeOutfitters :) Thank you Steve Madden

Now I'm not exactly a fan of the color, or Mustard period, but it does have the exact style and size that I like. I looked it up some more to see if there are any other colors and there is a dark brown... it's a bit too shiny personally but it's better then mustard.

Now I just need to find some more awesome boots for the winter. The search continues.

dad/drinking: I think a part of me has always expected mine and my fathers drinking to bring us together. You know, when later on when I no longer live with my parents and I come home for like Christmas or something my father and I will be able to sit down together and have a drink. Have small conversation, I dunno.

But it has appeared to me that that will never happen. My father will never accept my drinking like him, and especially not with him. The fact that I have admitted to having a problem scares him completely. He knows the damage alcohol has done in his life, and does not want me to repeat his mistakes.

Me: All kids want to be heros, like a fireman or a police man.
Danny: yeah, I wanted to be a dinosaur.

So last night was a trying night. Funny how much more you are able to think when you are sober. I realized that I do really have a drinking problem, since now that I am not drinking, and have to say no to myself I can feel the battle of good and evil within myself. I have conversations with myself when I am out about the possibility of drinking, and I know that I can not take even one sip since then my hunger will take over and it will all be over. I really felt a hunger as I sat in my car outside of Houlihans. Oh what pleasure would it have been to just go inside and order one of the huge watermelon or cactus drinks. The happy lubrication. I'd be able to talk to people freely, I'd diminish any concerns about my shyness. At that moment I had to say no, and had to keep saying no, and I won. But the hunger remained for the rest of the night. Gnawling on my side as we watched movies and smoked. I hushed it and never let it speak up, but it was constantly there.

Found this precious piece of a tee at Nylon.com, can't wait for the knocks offs on ebay. I checked, there aren't any yet. Point is I really want one, but they're really hard to get.

Strangely enough I find myself reminiscing on past men, and not even ones that I was involved with, except for one. Maybe beacuse all but that one never had the chance to disapoint me.
I find myself forgetting to smoke my cigarette.
I wonder if I ever will actually understand what is going on.

Today has been an emotional roller coster, and I've only been awake for 2 hours. I wake up to half naked pictures of an uber hottie (yaaaaaaay) in the shower I get a phone call letting me know that another one of my friends was murdered last night (crash), but then I get a phone call from Julian which makes my heart jump with happiness. But overall I am still on the verge of tears. I just saw my friend like two weeks ago at the club. He was doing great. He cleaned up completely and was doing freaking great, and some asshole shot him cause he wouldn't let himself be robbed. It's like the second time this year that someone I know was murdered, and it was only 2.5 years ago that Tamar was murdered, and like 1.5 years ago that Amber was found dead. This is ridiculous!

I'm having a crappy day today. I'm just so confused about J. And I have no feelings for Chris but he is a lot of fun to hang out with. But I make too many of his dreams come true it seems, and I don't want him to fall for me, cause that would just be bad, since like I said it wouldn't be returned and I don't like hurting people, and it would suck not to be able to go to the Mill Hill cause things are uncomfortable. And I really hate growing up and being a grown up. It's such a pain in the ass. There is so much fighting to be responsbile, and I just suck at it, and I'm a shitty driver, and my insurance company are prics. aljfsakljfalskjfak;sljg;lkasjg;lkajgaskjlka;sj I don't know what else. I'm gonna go smoke.

I had a dream last night that I parked my car on a lake front and set up my tent and went to sleep. In the morning I was woken up by my friend Danny who was walking up to my tent from inside the lake front house that was a little bit behind me. He brought me a bowl of cereal for breakfast, and himself one too and we sat in my tent and ate cereal.

I fell asleep in the midts of talking to Danny about eating cereal, and how Fruit Loops are artificial and how I much better preffer Raisin Bran Crunch, those were the only two options of cereal he gave me, I personally preffer Cherrios or Honey Comb.

On Saturday after going grocery shopping I noticed an eggplant that was about to go bad in the fridge and so I decided to do something with it. I made an eggplant dip.

Ingredients:
1 Eggplant
1 Garlic Clove finely chopped
2 Scallions finely chopped
5 Spoons of Olive Oil
Red Pepper
Black Pepper
Paprika
Thyme
Rosemary

Warm 4 spoons of the Olive Oil in a large skillet. Cut the Eggplant into thin slices. Fry the slices in the skillet till they are soft and begin to brown. Once done set the slices aside, they will loose some of the oil as they dry. Pour 1 spoon of Olive Oil into the skillet and fry the scallions and garlic till they scallions are soft. Place the Eggplant, scallions, and garlic into a food processor and blend into a paste. Transfer the paste into a bowl and season to your own liking. Be delicate with the Rosemary and the Thyme since they can become very overwhelming very easily.

Last night I was involved in a car accident. I really hate how everyone always assumes that if I was in an accident then it must be my fault, and ask me if I was drunk or something. 1. I have only caused one accident in my life, and I was the only one involved in it, well myself and a pole. 2. I have never been in an accident while under the influence of anything, not alcohol, not pot, not any other drug, not even tylenol for christ sake. I know my car is messed up but that's because I think my debth perception is off, and not because I am a bad driver. I did speed a lot, but now I have even ceased to do that. I have so much stuff on my plate right now... I really hope this all will pass and I can live more calmly.

So today thanks to Tofutti Better Than Cream Cheese I almost got a ticket. I was thinking about it and how delicious it is, and how I need to get more instantly, that I totaly ran a red light right by my house... but thank goodness there was no cop so I got away with it.

Also while searing for a pic of the "cream cheese" I found this !awesome web site with delicious sounding recipes for vegan cup cakes

I just got the coolest news in my inbox in a long time. Here is my message from T-Mobile:

Thanks from T-Mobile® — and trees everywhere — for being a Paperless Billing subscriber. By doing so, you're helping to save paper, and trees. What's next on your eco–friendly agenda? How about letting T-Mobile plant a tree for you? We've already come together to help the environment – let's do it again.

Taking the next step has never been easier. Since you've already signed up for Paperless Billing, just a click or two will allow us to plant a tree on your behalf with the Arbor Day Foundation.* Your tree will be part of the Restoration Project, planted where it's needed most – in damaged regions like Southern California and New Orleans, where trees aren't growing back on their own. You can even pay your bill online, with EasyPay, or at your nearest T-Mobile retail location. What do you say to helping us plant a tree? A simple yes could make a big difference.

You can visit my.t-mobile.com/plantatree beginning May 9, 2008 to find out how many trees T-Mobile and the Arbor day foundation will be planting. If you have T-Mobile but don't use their paperless billing well then 1. shame on you and 2. you can still request a tree to be planted on your behalf, so get on it!

Hare krishna
krishna krishna
krishna krishna
hare hare
hare ramba
ramba ramba
hare hare

Grooooooowl. I've finally decided to start my way back into the real working world. The restaurant is a nice vacation, but I'm nearing on 23 and it's about time I go out on my own, and do it right this time.

Also on the list of things to do is find a hot man, that's great in bad, has good morals, and has got his shit together. Everyone that I've met so far has fallen short in one thing or another. I guess all I can do right now is keep the good fucks in my bed and keep on trotting. We'll see, I think I have a better chance of finding a job then a man.

I've been feeling a lot more creative lately as well. Notice the Alice in the back of some of the pics and then compare it to previous pics taken at N's house. When it's all done I'll do a before and after pic to broadcast everything that I've done to the wall. Oh and I'm in the process of redoing my room, paint, furniture, curtains, the whole sha-bang

So i'm having a shitty time dealing with the fact that i am somehow unable to get laid, or at least properly laid by someone that i want to get laid by. Nick says everyone hits a rouch patch every once in a while and it's a test of your self esteem. well it's not affecting my self esteem, at least not yet, it's simply just annoying the crap out of me. and i understand rough patch, but this is pushing it and it's not like i'm not trying. it's hard enough finding attractive men around this bitch.

and now look at how creative i am and how awesome the easter eggs that i painted are.