More notes from the side kick

3/7/06
I don't know what's wrong with me today. I'm in a shit mood. I don't want to be here. I hate my job. I hate being surrounded byu cheap whores. I hate the saying you are who you hang with. I was not made for this. I don't know how to do this. I don't know what I want. i want to go back to school, I'm going to stay up all night with projects tonight. I am cutting off my lap top privelages until I'm back in school. Haha, I am grounding myself. How fucking stupid. I suck at being independent. I walwaus take the easy way out of shit. And always prentend everything is ok and just pray that it will resolve itself. This whole time I;ve been waiting for a job to fall in my lap. Yeah fucking right. I'm not home anymore. I don't have mommy to do everything for me.

3/17/06
"Working so hard and now we get tha pay back..." The phone rings. I allready know it's someone I know from the city by the ring tone. Probably Veronica or maybe Charlie decided to stop being an ego maniac and getover himself, bastard reading my test message over my shoulder, how rude. Oh shit. It's not. It's Bruce, and he wants to see me, he wants me to visit him at his place. For the frst time he is actually inviting me to his place, and he sounds tired. I told him I'll be there in an hour, but I will probably take a little bit longer just to make him wait. He did have the balls to say I'm "Nice". Nice is not something you want to hear from the older man you are seriously trying to date, it makes you feel like tehre is an eve bigger age gap between the two you then then there really is. And 21 years is a pretty big gap.

I just got out of the whoer and am smoking a cigarette. Unable to make up my mind whether to dress like a hipster or a grown up I join the two by putting on ripped jeans, baggy tee shirt, pumas a cardigan and a black trench. A little over an hour later I pop on my headphones, turn up my iPod and call a cab.

I arrive at his apartment building in 15 minutes. Courtney love is bitching about "white bout skin" and "big black men" in my ear as I light another cigarette and wait for Bruce to come get me through the front gate. We take the long way through the bulding so that he doesn't have to talk to some Chinese lady. Withing the first few steps I allready wouldn't know how to get back out. He talks to me about how he is learning to use iTunes and LimeWire, along with his 10 year old nephew. Great, another age gap notion. I feel more and more like a toy barbie. His place is very plain, but then he's a guy and in the process of moving. I wonder what his new place looks like and if I will get to see it. We chat, share a bowl of icecream. I can tell he tell eh enjoys watching me clean off the spon with my lips as he feeds it to me. We share music we both enjoy, music seems to be our number one subject of conversation. He tells me about some show his dad told him to watch about gay siblings. And then the bomb of the evening. "My friend and I were talking about why men are attracted to younger girls." That should have been younger women buddy, but whatever, I'll let it slide. "And he thinks it's for the same reason why people like puppies." Boom. I can feel my skin melting off like a Hiroshima victim, but I don't let him catch on. We cuddle, and like always he tries to undress me. I switch from feeling like a brabie doll to feeling like a blow up doll, so I politely, yet playfully get him to stop. Make out session galore, he needs to learn that there is no need to clean out my throat with his tounge, leave that for the lower regions. It's getting late and we both have to work in the morning so he drives me home in his rented car. He is unable to pick a radio station the whole ride, and I sit kind of quite because I feel like a moron. He drops me off, we kiss and I go upstairs. I grab a beer from the fridge, and light another smoke. I can not believe that I just fot compared to a fucking puppy. Time for some of the beautiful Fionna Apple. "I opened my eyes while you were kissing me once, more then once. And you lookes as sincere as a dog. Just as sincere as a dog does when it's the food on your lips with which it's in love." Fuck him. Unless he makes some magical, magnificent recovery that's the end of that.

3/21/06
I receive the second best compliment of my life last night at work. One of my customers told that I have a perfect ass. My favorite compliment ever is being told that I look to Scarlett Johansson! I'm angry at my work right now. I'm enjoying working days. It's calm, and good money. And I'm tired of having my whole scheduel constnatly changing. It's fucking up my sleep and family relations.

3/22/06
I miss Bruce. i want to talk to him about music and I want to cuddle and hear his childhood stories and insecurities. But I have too much pride to do this still.

So I was watching the first season of the OC. Reminded mf why I fell in love with the show at first. Also reminded me of someone. Ty of all peple. Made me miss the knuckle head. I did first start watching the show when we were seeing eachother. And I used to call him my seth cohen but he would always argue he's ryan atwood.

I'm lonely, especially now with Bruce out of the picture.

Men. I got compared to a puppy today. Bruces friend said that older men like younger women for the same fact people like puppys. Jesus. I give up. I'm not allowed to call him anymore. If he calls that's fine, but fuck all that other shit. And then Charlie the egotistical maniac. I think I'm just crazy moody cause I'm close to being on my period, and it's the first time in a while that I'm not on the pill. Man oh man. Time to sew some curtains.

I feel like shit. I feel like I am not going to achieve jack fucking shit right now. I refuse to go back home tho, cause I refuse to admit to failure. Two fucking months and I haven't done fucking shit. And I just sit here miserable as fuck. I'm a moron.

Yesterday I worked from 12 to 7, it was ok tho cause I made some money. I came home, showered and got picked up by Charlie. We went to shoot some pool. I won. We picked up vodka, went back to his house, watched The Hebrew Hammer and drank the vodka. We got into bed, fucked 3 times and went to sleep. We woke up this morning, fucked again, went out for breakfast and then he dropped me off. It was a nice time I must say. Half an hour after I get home [I haven't even showered yet] Bruce calls. He stops by. Hangs out for about an hour, and then goes home to pack his stuff. This was very nice as well.

So overall I had a nice day. And now I'm gonna pick up some nice pizza, and watch a nice movie, an then get into my nice bed and get some nice rest.

Our work finally got some advertising. Amazing. This means more money. YaaaaaaaaY!!!

Some more random notes from my sidekick:

2/28/06
Fuck waht you hear mocking bird. I think someone slipped something in my drink casuse when I came out the bathroom it tasted funny I hope myspace boy gives a holler. I think I might go out on a date with an old guy. He's at least got money. I think from now on I'm gonna say yes to every date offered. Yes my social life sucks so much out here.

3/2/06
I keep on sitting here fawning over Bruce. Kepp on thinking of last night. Of his fave in the dar. Of the shape f his back. Of his constant need to kiss me. Of the cuddling. Of how I didn't mind his long hair. How the curls on his chest were damn sexy. How we flipped around in the bed all night. And then I think of how quickly he got up after we finished. How quickly he got dressed. How he wasn't cuddly anymore. How he didn't want me to walk him down. it is probably just paranoia tho. he got up quickly to clean up and help me clean up. he got dressed cause he had to go, it was 6 and he needed to be at work at 9. a lot of people, male and female, hate being cuddly post sex. And not wanting to have me walk him is sure manners and politness. He said he wil call and I trust him. It might be a day or two, maybe a week again but he will call. I just hope I'm not working this time.

I had the best time last night with the guy pictured above. He is charming, absolutely charming and delightful. He's intelligent. He's got his life in order. He is passionate, he's sweet, he's romantic, and jesus christ, so hot. I want him in my bed every night of the year. I want him to kiss me, I want to go down on him. Everything. He's the light of my life, the fire of my loins.