I stopped thinking rationally. I just think like a moron now. I hide from problems, I don't even have energy to run anymore, so I just crawl in to my closet and hide. I lie, I get snappy, I quit jobs, I flip out. There is only person person that I love and that I am happy around, and that I feel ok around. And even he sees the worst of me sometimes. And he's in the same place as I am so there is nothing either one of us can do for one another. I just hope we can grow together. But I don't know how to grow, I only know how to shrink, and stand still. So I am trying to hard to at least stand still because I am scared that if I move in any direction my feet will only move backwards. The Human Condition.

Life has been a lot weirder lately. The things that I consider beautiful have become beautiful to the extreme, breathtakingly beautiful, heart breaking kind of beautiful. At the same time tho everythign else is extremely ugly in comparison. Murderous car crash kind of ugly. A woman eating a sandwich in her car made me cringe. The scent of the bills from the guys trucks, that old dirty, sweat that has been marinating, stench makes me want to hurl. things are eihter up or down, I'm either laughing or crying, hardly ever anything in between.



Guys have always been telling me that they would like to fuck me. I'd smile, make a joke about it and take it as a compliment. But now that I am with Levi and there is no other guy I'd like to be with I don't react the same. Now some guy telling me they'd love to fuck my brains out makes me angry, it has become and insult, especially if they know that I have a boyfriend. To me it just makes it look like you have no respect for the sanctity of my relationship, an no respect for Levi, both things making me hate you. In the last twenty-four hours two different guys have told me so and I no longer want anything to do with them. Plus they both know about Levi. And we almost had our first argument becuase he thought I was trying to hide from him the fact that other man are asking me for sex. It was the first time we had an altercation and I almost cried. I was ready to drop to my knees and beg him for foregiveness. I don't think love that is equivelant of worship is healthy, but I am afraid that's what I feel.

My knees are absolutely terrible. My right knee is covered in a scab from when I fell while carrying a box. My left knee has rug burn on one side and the rest of it
is one humangous bruse, thank you car sex. I need to invest in some knee pads, those would be awesome to have.





I need to find a freaking day time job. I can't live like this anymore. I'm not good with financial limitations. Besides Christmas is coming up. Levi also needs to get a job... I am not paying this cell phone bill by myself, and it would also be nice if he took me out to eat some time, or if he paid for the movies once in a blue moon.



I need to get back on birth control cause babies are not cool. Like seriously not cool.





Other then that:
Levi is the best boyfriend on the planet
My dad is a douchebag
My mom is falling apart but she still rocks
Joanna is so freaking spoiled it's not even funny
I miss going to the Mill Hill and getting wasted every other night
Eye Murda is the best homie
Couhging sucks balls
I have a busy day ahead of me, full of putting in zippers, dropping stuff off, doing laundry, god only knows what the hell else.

In a couple of days Levi and I will be back together for one, whole month. It's the same date as when Mad Elephant is supposed to play at the PussyCat Lounge in NYC, which would be kind of nice to go and see, but ofcourse it is a thursday and I have to work. Besides we're both broke, and it's very hard to get him to get a job. But it needs to happen, ASAP. He needs to start getting his shit together cause I will not be taking care of him when we get our own place. And that might be prolonged even further cause I might move in with Janice and her friends. Hopefully everything will work out.

Regardless.

Whenever I am around him I turn into a horny beast, as does he. It's impossible to not kiss, grope, nibble, unzip pants, and fuck. He makes me so horny that yesterday we fucked even tho I was on my period. Something I always said I will never do. Gross homie, gross.

Even grosser: After we fucked I gave him head. It was a mixture of my juices, his juices, and my blood all over his dick, and I acted like it was the tastiest popsicle on earth.

Never say never ladies, cause afterwards I was considering anal, but I'm not trying to make all of his fantasies come true so quickly.

I have to get my green card, my passport, and my car insurance in order. I also need to quit smoking, but that will come a bit later in the day cause I think I'm gonna steal one of dad's smokes.

I swear, I think I am the luckiest girl on this planet. Not because I have a great boyfriend, or a great job, or a sweet kitty, or any dumb shit like that. But because I am so not careful about my sex life that it is not even funny. Yeah, I use condoms for one night stands, and all that bull, but I have not been on birth control in a few months now, and if I am in an actual relationship with someone then I don't use protection. Basically saying I should have been preggers like 20 million times by now. I should have gone through like 5 abortions allready, all of my insides should be sucked out by now. But nooooooooooo. I don't get pregnant. All of the pregnancy tests always come out negative, with no condom, no birth control, no morning after pill, they always come out negative. And I always get my period pretty much on time. I think I just simply may be unable to have children. I should probably have a doctor look into that, but I don't want to jinx things, I like not getting preggers.

On another note, about my not-so-great boyfriend. I dunno. He's pulling shady shit. Which is annoying. But I think that the only way to fix him is to show him how quickly he can loose me this time around. But this shit is hard. I wanna call and bitch him out, but I know that if I call I won't be able to bitch at all. He turns me into mush. So instead I'm going to disappear for the weekend. He's not going to see me, or talk to me. I turned my phone on silent so that I can't hear when he calls. He better call. If he doesn't call all weekend then we're as good as over, cause he fucked up, so he should call. Eh, Love is nice, but it's fake.

Do you know the type of sex where everything just happens so instinctively, so animalistically, that you have no idea even what is going on, other then it is the most amazing feeling in the whole world, the most amazing feeling that you have ever felt in your life. And you feel so alive, and your heart is beating so hard that you feel like you're going to explode. The type of sex where no matter what you do you can not stop. Like as long as you are near the person no matter what you will want them more and more and more. The type of sex where you have to run away to make it stop, even if you're completely nude, you don't even care, you just know you have to stop this because if you don't nothing else will it will just go on for ever and ever and ever. Yeah......... I didn't know this existed either.... untill like 20 minutes ago. I want more, more, more, more, I want it to never stop, yet if I went on any longer I wouldn't be able to move. My vision is still blury, I don't even know what else to say. Goodnight

I am the happiest I have been in ages, literally years. And all thanks to one man. Levi. I fucking love that man more then life itself, and he loves me back, and nothing can change that, and nothing can break that, and nothing can seperate us.

I haven't been the happiest little puppy lately. I keep having these dreams. They are all different, but in each one there is always a strong, handsome man by my side. He is tall, and scruffy, and wears things like dark jeans, turtle necks, and leather jackets. He is always powerful, but always very sweet to me. Each time ofcourse the guys is different, and his presence is slightly different, but I also know that I need to find this man in real life. Don't get me wrong, Veronica is, well she is beautiful and she was unatainable. But I've always know that it wasn't going to be anything big. It's a fucking girl crush. Ofcourse I can not let her know that. But two leo's can't be together, it's a simple matter of fact. I'm passive in that I let her have what she wants and I don't ask for much of anything back. She gives me affection and we're ok, but I am not 100% happy. I want a real, strong man. So that he can hold onto me. Just that feeling of safety. I also can not wait until I turn 21 damn it. I can not wait till I can freaking leave Barbary Coast, I can not take it anymore.

On another note, I fucking love the Cranberries and I have no idea why it took me so damn long to get more of their music, especially considering that every song by them is absolutely amazing, and she has the best voice in the whole world.

So I'm stressing about work. I want to get as much advertising up as freaking possible, but I hate the thought of putting myself up on the internet. This really is also not something I should be stressing about right before I'm supposed to do a photo shoot, especailly considering that I think that Matt (the potographer) is trying to hit on me. I trust him that he is legit, and regardless I'm still getting pics for myself out of this. I'm gonna get these pics. I'm gonna apply to Suicide Girls, I am going to get fucking accepted! I will visit Veronica in LA and while at it I will do a shoot with SG. I need to start bringing in money so that I can do all the shit that I've been wanting to do. Aka. Visit Veronica more, visit Jersey again in 3 months, get my tattoo finished, do some fucking shopping. I should really just start making clothes and selling them on e-bay. That would be the best bet. I need to get motivated. I need to get my fucking ass to school. But I don't have the money for school, and I don't have the time for school. Barbary Coast needs me right now, but if Peter doesn't start acting like he knows that then I am going to say fuck Barbary. I need to turn fucking 21 and get a fucking bartending gig damn it!

I have a girlfriend. Her name is Veronica. She is absolutely beautiful. She's in LA tho so I don't get to see her much.

TY called me today. I know I called him drunk as fuck monay night.. in the middle of the night, but I was short, sharp and brief. Then I messaged him on AIM but I kept the same sharp attitue. But he calls me today and was nice, and sweet, and chill, and like a friend. It was fucking weird. I played shit cool and what not, but it was fucking weird. I'm scared to see him. I do still have feelings for him. And now I almost miss him. I'm gonna give him his necklace back tho. We'll see what he says when I do. We'll see if he wants to stay in touch. I'm not brining up how he fucked me over. It's in the past. Brining it up will just make it look like I want an explanation, which I kind of do, but that will also make it seem like I want to rekindle shit between us, which I don't. I need to stay away from boys. I'm gonna stick to Veronica. She's away, so she won't be hurting my goals or messing with my mind. Just my wallet, hehe. Visits to LA are kind of pricy. But she's worth it.

Haha my first lesbian relationship since like fucking sophmore year in High School. Fucking redonkulous!

I'm also afraid to see Christopher Robin. After what Nick told me about him I don't want to see the new Chris. I loved the old Chris and am afraid I will hate the new one.

More notes from the side kick

3/7/06
I don't know what's wrong with me today. I'm in a shit mood. I don't want to be here. I hate my job. I hate being surrounded byu cheap whores. I hate the saying you are who you hang with. I was not made for this. I don't know how to do this. I don't know what I want. i want to go back to school, I'm going to stay up all night with projects tonight. I am cutting off my lap top privelages until I'm back in school. Haha, I am grounding myself. How fucking stupid. I suck at being independent. I walwaus take the easy way out of shit. And always prentend everything is ok and just pray that it will resolve itself. This whole time I;ve been waiting for a job to fall in my lap. Yeah fucking right. I'm not home anymore. I don't have mommy to do everything for me.

3/17/06
"Working so hard and now we get tha pay back..." The phone rings. I allready know it's someone I know from the city by the ring tone. Probably Veronica or maybe Charlie decided to stop being an ego maniac and getover himself, bastard reading my test message over my shoulder, how rude. Oh shit. It's not. It's Bruce, and he wants to see me, he wants me to visit him at his place. For the frst time he is actually inviting me to his place, and he sounds tired. I told him I'll be there in an hour, but I will probably take a little bit longer just to make him wait. He did have the balls to say I'm "Nice". Nice is not something you want to hear from the older man you are seriously trying to date, it makes you feel like tehre is an eve bigger age gap between the two you then then there really is. And 21 years is a pretty big gap.

I just got out of the whoer and am smoking a cigarette. Unable to make up my mind whether to dress like a hipster or a grown up I join the two by putting on ripped jeans, baggy tee shirt, pumas a cardigan and a black trench. A little over an hour later I pop on my headphones, turn up my iPod and call a cab.

I arrive at his apartment building in 15 minutes. Courtney love is bitching about "white bout skin" and "big black men" in my ear as I light another cigarette and wait for Bruce to come get me through the front gate. We take the long way through the bulding so that he doesn't have to talk to some Chinese lady. Withing the first few steps I allready wouldn't know how to get back out. He talks to me about how he is learning to use iTunes and LimeWire, along with his 10 year old nephew. Great, another age gap notion. I feel more and more like a toy barbie. His place is very plain, but then he's a guy and in the process of moving. I wonder what his new place looks like and if I will get to see it. We chat, share a bowl of icecream. I can tell he tell eh enjoys watching me clean off the spon with my lips as he feeds it to me. We share music we both enjoy, music seems to be our number one subject of conversation. He tells me about some show his dad told him to watch about gay siblings. And then the bomb of the evening. "My friend and I were talking about why men are attracted to younger girls." That should have been younger women buddy, but whatever, I'll let it slide. "And he thinks it's for the same reason why people like puppies." Boom. I can feel my skin melting off like a Hiroshima victim, but I don't let him catch on. We cuddle, and like always he tries to undress me. I switch from feeling like a brabie doll to feeling like a blow up doll, so I politely, yet playfully get him to stop. Make out session galore, he needs to learn that there is no need to clean out my throat with his tounge, leave that for the lower regions. It's getting late and we both have to work in the morning so he drives me home in his rented car. He is unable to pick a radio station the whole ride, and I sit kind of quite because I feel like a moron. He drops me off, we kiss and I go upstairs. I grab a beer from the fridge, and light another smoke. I can not believe that I just fot compared to a fucking puppy. Time for some of the beautiful Fionna Apple. "I opened my eyes while you were kissing me once, more then once. And you lookes as sincere as a dog. Just as sincere as a dog does when it's the food on your lips with which it's in love." Fuck him. Unless he makes some magical, magnificent recovery that's the end of that.

3/21/06
I receive the second best compliment of my life last night at work. One of my customers told that I have a perfect ass. My favorite compliment ever is being told that I look to Scarlett Johansson! I'm angry at my work right now. I'm enjoying working days. It's calm, and good money. And I'm tired of having my whole scheduel constnatly changing. It's fucking up my sleep and family relations.

3/22/06
I miss Bruce. i want to talk to him about music and I want to cuddle and hear his childhood stories and insecurities. But I have too much pride to do this still.

So I was watching the first season of the OC. Reminded mf why I fell in love with the show at first. Also reminded me of someone. Ty of all peple. Made me miss the knuckle head. I did first start watching the show when we were seeing eachother. And I used to call him my seth cohen but he would always argue he's ryan atwood.

I'm lonely, especially now with Bruce out of the picture.

Men. I got compared to a puppy today. Bruces friend said that older men like younger women for the same fact people like puppys. Jesus. I give up. I'm not allowed to call him anymore. If he calls that's fine, but fuck all that other shit. And then Charlie the egotistical maniac. I think I'm just crazy moody cause I'm close to being on my period, and it's the first time in a while that I'm not on the pill. Man oh man. Time to sew some curtains.

I feel like shit. I feel like I am not going to achieve jack fucking shit right now. I refuse to go back home tho, cause I refuse to admit to failure. Two fucking months and I haven't done fucking shit. And I just sit here miserable as fuck. I'm a moron.

Yesterday I worked from 12 to 7, it was ok tho cause I made some money. I came home, showered and got picked up by Charlie. We went to shoot some pool. I won. We picked up vodka, went back to his house, watched The Hebrew Hammer and drank the vodka. We got into bed, fucked 3 times and went to sleep. We woke up this morning, fucked again, went out for breakfast and then he dropped me off. It was a nice time I must say. Half an hour after I get home [I haven't even showered yet] Bruce calls. He stops by. Hangs out for about an hour, and then goes home to pack his stuff. This was very nice as well.

So overall I had a nice day. And now I'm gonna pick up some nice pizza, and watch a nice movie, an then get into my nice bed and get some nice rest.

Our work finally got some advertising. Amazing. This means more money. YaaaaaaaaY!!!

Some more random notes from my sidekick:

2/28/06
Fuck waht you hear mocking bird. I think someone slipped something in my drink casuse when I came out the bathroom it tasted funny I hope myspace boy gives a holler. I think I might go out on a date with an old guy. He's at least got money. I think from now on I'm gonna say yes to every date offered. Yes my social life sucks so much out here.

3/2/06
I keep on sitting here fawning over Bruce. Kepp on thinking of last night. Of his fave in the dar. Of the shape f his back. Of his constant need to kiss me. Of the cuddling. Of how I didn't mind his long hair. How the curls on his chest were damn sexy. How we flipped around in the bed all night. And then I think of how quickly he got up after we finished. How quickly he got dressed. How he wasn't cuddly anymore. How he didn't want me to walk him down. it is probably just paranoia tho. he got up quickly to clean up and help me clean up. he got dressed cause he had to go, it was 6 and he needed to be at work at 9. a lot of people, male and female, hate being cuddly post sex. And not wanting to have me walk him is sure manners and politness. He said he wil call and I trust him. It might be a day or two, maybe a week again but he will call. I just hope I'm not working this time.

I had the best time last night with the guy pictured above. He is charming, absolutely charming and delightful. He's intelligent. He's got his life in order. He is passionate, he's sweet, he's romantic, and jesus christ, so hot. I want him in my bed every night of the year. I want him to kiss me, I want to go down on him. Everything. He's the light of my life, the fire of my loins.

Some things I wrote down in my sidekick:



2/20/06
San Francisco is supposed to be the best town to quit smoking in. Well that doesn' work well if all I ever do is walk around town, work, and sit at home, all of which give me the right to smoke freely. I need to quit tho. I don't want to look 30 at 25, or worse. I have great skin and need to keep it. So smoking, drinking, and tanning are out. Healthy food, lots of water, and the gym are in. Hopefully soon tanned will no longer be cool and pale will be in. I'm so tired I'm dizzy. I just want a nap. Fucking work. Fucking Jenny. I hope she gets fired. Nobody likes her anyway and she just causes problems. I need to think up what I'm gonna eat today.



2/24/06
I want the guy from yesterday, let's call him Russ, to call me. I want him to take me out, to court me. I want to go with him to fancy dress parties and dinners. Be his sweet arm candy. When we go out to a club I ant him to stand with a drink in his hand and just watch me dance, till I come up and kiss him and have him pull me out of the club and fuck me in the car. I want him to be shocked when he first sees me in a film noi dress. I want to make him more childlish. Like eating pizza from the box in undies while watching tv sunday morning. I guess I want him to be my Yves. [Here Kitty Kitty reference]

I had a dream with TY in it last night. I've pretty much let him go allready, but you know how it is. well the dream was weird. We were out with some of his friends, and they wanted a Christmas tree. So I got them the tree, and it was all decorated and shit too. And we were all drinking and having fun. Ty was holding me, and being really sweet and cuddly. Then he walked away, and then he said he had to go somewhere. And he walked off with Marta [they never met in real life]. And I knew he was seeing her too. And so I got pissed I yelled after him but he just told me to chill. And then his friends started being loud and shit so I turned around and they knocked over the Christmas tree and broke most of the ornaments on it. I started yelling and flipping out. I was allready pissed because of Ty, and now these little fuckers. And then I woke up.

He's dating some chick now. She's cute, and she seems nice, so I can't even hate on her. But I do hate him. He fed me so much bull shit. Whatever. I'm gonna ship the necklace out ASAP. Actually I'm gonna hop in the shower right now and get dressed and go to the post office to send it back. Along with some other papers I need to send. I wonder if he will say anything to me when he gets it in the mail.

I am super hungry but don't feel like eating. Actually I feel like I'm gonna puke. Laying down on my stomach doesn't help. I need to get started on the day. Blarg.

The diferences in pot, east vs. west

On the west all I've smoked so far are bowls, joints, and a couple miniscular phillys.
On the east all I ever smoked was dutchess, maybe like once a joint, and twice bowl.
On the west 20 bucks gets you 3 times as much as on the east
On the east 3 dutchess used to get me fucked up
On the west 1 bowl gets me fucked up
There is always somebody around that will smoke you out or at least have some available to sell to you.
On the west the discounts are like 500 worth for 300
On the east the discounts are "you're hot so I'll give you like ten bucks off"
On the west they have mini stores [think bakery size] full of weed
On the east they have houses where the rooms are full of dealers

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Fuck being a dreamer man. No perfect man is coming to find me. No knight in shinning armor. I'm gonna send Ty his fucking necklace back. Closing up that chapter. I can't wait to fucking end that whole series of mistakes. Final date is Monday, I'm gonna get my tattoo done and I will be happy.



I am furious, I am ragefull, I am broke. I need to go to work and make a shit load of fucking money. I need something to make me fucking happy, and it sure as hell ain't gonna be no man, cause all they ever do is piss me the fuck off. So money is the best substitute. And cigarettes. Fuck wrinkles. Yo can suck it. I'll quit one day when I start seeing them. Even if by then it will be too late. I do need to figure out how the fuck to make money tho. Maybe Suicide Girls. Maybe I'll talk to Veronica about how to get into modeling. But I can't do that shit till I get my boob job, I mean seriously. Grrrrrrr. Grrrrrrr. Grrrrrrrrr!!!

So what the fuck is this? I go to a show and I don't get hit on, not once. Fucking bullshi that's what it is. I made sure I look good too. Fucking morons. Pussies. Grrrrrrrrrr. I am woman, hear me roar is my new favorite quote.

So work is making me self concious. I need to loose weight, I need to get in shape, I need to get a boob job. Grrrrrrrrrrrr. I'm gonna fucking do it, and I'm gonna fucking look great. Starting now. Carmen Electra excercise videos galore!!! I'm not gonna go anywhere tonight, well unless dominique comes through with that show. I'm gonna excercise and sew, and not eat. Haha, kidding, I will eat but not a lot.

Things are shitty at this moment. Well inside my head is shitty.

I pored my heart out to Ty last night via myspace message, and he hasn't responded to me. I want to call him. But I know I shouldn't. I probably will anyway cause I'm a moron. I hate him and love him at the same time. Isn't that always the case with me tho. If things weren't dramatic I don't think I could love men. Maybe I don't even love them, maybe I just love the drama, the chaos, who fucking knows.

And about chaos. I had a date with this guy today. We walked around and talked. I told him my fucked up life story. Alcoholic/abusive father. pedophile neighbor. Rape. He said he feels sorry for me, and that I should try living a normal life. I don't want your pitty, I don't want you to feel sorry for me, and I don't want a normal life. My life made me strong, stronger then you will ever be. I have the strength to move to a place, on the other side of the continent without knowing anyone there, all by myself, without a job, without anything, and I have the strength to fucking make it. I lived through things. I've experienced things. Pain, suffering, dissapointment. I couldn't live a normal, calm life. White house with blue shutters and a picked fence with a husband 3 kids and a dog is not me. I don't want it. I'd go crazy. When things are going to well I have to fuck them up becuase it's all I know.

I'm comfortable with how I am.

I'm gonna call Ty. Because I need to be unhappy and dramatic.

This little butt head is the only guy that I care about on a romantic level right now. Fuck every other guy. Fuck Beau.



And especially fuck Levi.



Right now I just want Ty to come here, and cuddle with me all night long. All night. All night. All night long.

Anyways. I wanna get my next tattoo. ASAP. I wanna spend more money then I allready did. Yes sir.

so now i've had everything at work
guys of all sizes jacking off
a guy telling me to spread my pussy
the cops called cause my client was making trouble
and cops called cause another girls client had a gun
and as i started to walk home today a drunk asshole stop and grab me
Dylan gave me a ride home via taxi
and oh yeah. today this guy came in and he looked just like an unshaven levi.
it made me really want to do a show for him but he didn't even have 40 for the room.
he was really nice/sweet/cute tho
made me miss levis shit ass
that fucker still got me thinking about him!

Men, specially Asian men, are very stupid and naive.


The End

Ugh

This total whack job came into work today. Actuall he was a crack head. He did two shows with me. The whole time he was smoking crack. The whole time he kept making weird-crack head noises. The whole time he stared at my ass. But he did want me to keep my panties on. And he did spend almost $400 on me. I came out with $240 for 45 minutes of work. I didn't do shit for the rest of the night. But that guy was a total nut job. And he made the place smell horrible. Ugh. I hope he never comes in again. He tried to get me to talk dirty to him. But he never once tried to jack off. He wanted me to change my clothes. He asked me to light his pipe for him. He put up a lighter closer to me so that he can see my ass better. He only wanted to listen to Madonna's Caught Up. And he spent every last cent on all of this. Till I finally had Gigner get him the fuck out of my room before I choked to death. Crack does not smell nice. But also not as bad as coke.

Work last night was good. Well I made damn good money. But it left a sour taste in my mouth.

I got my fucking period today and I am out of tampons. So now I have to make a run for the store. But I don't feel like leaving home.

No wonder I've been craving sweets and chocolate like a mad woman. And change of climate also fucked with my hormones.

Ugh I've gotta go do shit. And then get to work before the new girls does.

I don't know what the fuck I'm supposed to with myself. I feel like I need to be here, and I need to do this. But it's so fucking hard. Work is fucking shit. I'm happy if I come out with $40 in my pocket... after 8 hours of work? That's fucking bullshit. I can't quit smoking, but good knows it I can't afford it. But the worst part is that I am so fucking lonely. Back in Jersey I at least had friends. Here I have nothing. I used to at least be able to hang out and cuddle and pretend with Ty, but here nothing. I at least used to be able to go out and party, and I had someone to call if I wanted to go to the movies on a Sunday night. We always went to the movies on Sundays, people used to call me to do this. Here? Nothing. I am so fucking lonely and miserable. I just want somebody, I need somebody. But ever fucking guy here is gay, or a bum. I feel like I have made the mistake of a life time. I don't think that I was ready for this. But then if that's the case then i don't think that I will ever be ready. I just want somebody to lay with me and hold me at night. I don't know what to do with myself any longer. I hate crying because it makes me feel weak. I miss my sister. I miss my fucking parents. I miss my cat. I miss Ty. I miss the boys. I miss Mackenzie. I even fucking miss Levis bullshit. I want that mother fucker to call me. I don't want him to visit. I want Ty to visit. I'm ready to pay for his plane ticket myself. I'm a fucking stripper. Something I never thought I would do, and something that I could never tell my parents about. I feel like a failure. I am weak. I hate myself right now, and I haven't said that since coke. I'm a fucking train wreck.

Work is full of guys trying to come in and fuck. Sorry sweetie, my ass is not coming near enough to you for you to touch me, so let's not even think about fucking.

I need to find the negotiater in me tho, so that I can get more then just 40 from each one of them assholes. I need to start paying rent and for the past 2 days I've come out of work with nothing.

They are so scared tho that I am going to leave, because I'm not making any money. Yesterday I heard the words "It's gonna get better, you'll do really well for yourself here" like 8 times. It's sweet of them, even tho I kno they are only doing that to cover their own ass. Bitches.

I need to stop being a nasty hoe and go take a shower. Then go get some breakfast, and do get my nails done as well. Blah Blah Blah. I don't feel like doing anything besides laying here wrapped up in my blanket.

I'm in San Fran

I started stripping for a living.

No it's not skanky/trashy, it's a don't come near me strip style

It pays well

But today some little Asian snatched his money from me so I flipped out on him.

Tadam. The End

It sucks how my friends have a tendency to fail me. I'm leaving tomorrow, and nobody's even called me to at least try and hang out. Or when we were supposed to hang out they stand me up. Like Hi, I'm Ala, I'm your friend, and I'm moving to the other side of the continent, and you don't even seem to care. Thanks. Love you too. Everybody knows that if one of my close friends was leaving, the way that I am, I'd throw them a going away party, and try and invite everybody that they know. But me? Nope, no party, nada, not even a luncheon. Levi promised that he'll see me again before I leave, and has he? Nope, ofcourse not. Makes it even easier to leave. Screw you guys. In a week I will be in San Francisco, and it will be the best time in life.