dad/drinking: I think a part of me has always expected mine and my fathers drinking to bring us together. You know, when later on when I no longer live with my parents and I come home for like Christmas or something my father and I will be able to sit down together and have a drink. Have small conversation, I dunno.

But it has appeared to me that that will never happen. My father will never accept my drinking like him, and especially not with him. The fact that I have admitted to having a problem scares him completely. He knows the damage alcohol has done in his life, and does not want me to repeat his mistakes.

Me: All kids want to be heros, like a fireman or a police man.
Danny: yeah, I wanted to be a dinosaur.

So last night was a trying night. Funny how much more you are able to think when you are sober. I realized that I do really have a drinking problem, since now that I am not drinking, and have to say no to myself I can feel the battle of good and evil within myself. I have conversations with myself when I am out about the possibility of drinking, and I know that I can not take even one sip since then my hunger will take over and it will all be over. I really felt a hunger as I sat in my car outside of Houlihans. Oh what pleasure would it have been to just go inside and order one of the huge watermelon or cactus drinks. The happy lubrication. I'd be able to talk to people freely, I'd diminish any concerns about my shyness. At that moment I had to say no, and had to keep saying no, and I won. But the hunger remained for the rest of the night. Gnawling on my side as we watched movies and smoked. I hushed it and never let it speak up, but it was constantly there.

Found this precious piece of a tee at Nylon.com, can't wait for the knocks offs on ebay. I checked, there aren't any yet. Point is I really want one, but they're really hard to get.