Some things I wrote down in my sidekick:



2/20/06
San Francisco is supposed to be the best town to quit smoking in. Well that doesn' work well if all I ever do is walk around town, work, and sit at home, all of which give me the right to smoke freely. I need to quit tho. I don't want to look 30 at 25, or worse. I have great skin and need to keep it. So smoking, drinking, and tanning are out. Healthy food, lots of water, and the gym are in. Hopefully soon tanned will no longer be cool and pale will be in. I'm so tired I'm dizzy. I just want a nap. Fucking work. Fucking Jenny. I hope she gets fired. Nobody likes her anyway and she just causes problems. I need to think up what I'm gonna eat today.



2/24/06
I want the guy from yesterday, let's call him Russ, to call me. I want him to take me out, to court me. I want to go with him to fancy dress parties and dinners. Be his sweet arm candy. When we go out to a club I ant him to stand with a drink in his hand and just watch me dance, till I come up and kiss him and have him pull me out of the club and fuck me in the car. I want him to be shocked when he first sees me in a film noi dress. I want to make him more childlish. Like eating pizza from the box in undies while watching tv sunday morning. I guess I want him to be my Yves. [Here Kitty Kitty reference]

I had a dream with TY in it last night. I've pretty much let him go allready, but you know how it is. well the dream was weird. We were out with some of his friends, and they wanted a Christmas tree. So I got them the tree, and it was all decorated and shit too. And we were all drinking and having fun. Ty was holding me, and being really sweet and cuddly. Then he walked away, and then he said he had to go somewhere. And he walked off with Marta [they never met in real life]. And I knew he was seeing her too. And so I got pissed I yelled after him but he just told me to chill. And then his friends started being loud and shit so I turned around and they knocked over the Christmas tree and broke most of the ornaments on it. I started yelling and flipping out. I was allready pissed because of Ty, and now these little fuckers. And then I woke up.

He's dating some chick now. She's cute, and she seems nice, so I can't even hate on her. But I do hate him. He fed me so much bull shit. Whatever. I'm gonna ship the necklace out ASAP. Actually I'm gonna hop in the shower right now and get dressed and go to the post office to send it back. Along with some other papers I need to send. I wonder if he will say anything to me when he gets it in the mail.

I am super hungry but don't feel like eating. Actually I feel like I'm gonna puke. Laying down on my stomach doesn't help. I need to get started on the day. Blarg.

The diferences in pot, east vs. west

On the west all I've smoked so far are bowls, joints, and a couple miniscular phillys.
On the east all I ever smoked was dutchess, maybe like once a joint, and twice bowl.
On the west 20 bucks gets you 3 times as much as on the east
On the east 3 dutchess used to get me fucked up
On the west 1 bowl gets me fucked up
There is always somebody around that will smoke you out or at least have some available to sell to you.
On the west the discounts are like 500 worth for 300
On the east the discounts are "you're hot so I'll give you like ten bucks off"
On the west they have mini stores [think bakery size] full of weed
On the east they have houses where the rooms are full of dealers

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Fuck being a dreamer man. No perfect man is coming to find me. No knight in shinning armor. I'm gonna send Ty his fucking necklace back. Closing up that chapter. I can't wait to fucking end that whole series of mistakes. Final date is Monday, I'm gonna get my tattoo done and I will be happy.



I am furious, I am ragefull, I am broke. I need to go to work and make a shit load of fucking money. I need something to make me fucking happy, and it sure as hell ain't gonna be no man, cause all they ever do is piss me the fuck off. So money is the best substitute. And cigarettes. Fuck wrinkles. Yo can suck it. I'll quit one day when I start seeing them. Even if by then it will be too late. I do need to figure out how the fuck to make money tho. Maybe Suicide Girls. Maybe I'll talk to Veronica about how to get into modeling. But I can't do that shit till I get my boob job, I mean seriously. Grrrrrrr. Grrrrrrr. Grrrrrrrrr!!!

So what the fuck is this? I go to a show and I don't get hit on, not once. Fucking bullshi that's what it is. I made sure I look good too. Fucking morons. Pussies. Grrrrrrrrrr. I am woman, hear me roar is my new favorite quote.

So work is making me self concious. I need to loose weight, I need to get in shape, I need to get a boob job. Grrrrrrrrrrrr. I'm gonna fucking do it, and I'm gonna fucking look great. Starting now. Carmen Electra excercise videos galore!!! I'm not gonna go anywhere tonight, well unless dominique comes through with that show. I'm gonna excercise and sew, and not eat. Haha, kidding, I will eat but not a lot.

Things are shitty at this moment. Well inside my head is shitty.

I pored my heart out to Ty last night via myspace message, and he hasn't responded to me. I want to call him. But I know I shouldn't. I probably will anyway cause I'm a moron. I hate him and love him at the same time. Isn't that always the case with me tho. If things weren't dramatic I don't think I could love men. Maybe I don't even love them, maybe I just love the drama, the chaos, who fucking knows.

And about chaos. I had a date with this guy today. We walked around and talked. I told him my fucked up life story. Alcoholic/abusive father. pedophile neighbor. Rape. He said he feels sorry for me, and that I should try living a normal life. I don't want your pitty, I don't want you to feel sorry for me, and I don't want a normal life. My life made me strong, stronger then you will ever be. I have the strength to move to a place, on the other side of the continent without knowing anyone there, all by myself, without a job, without anything, and I have the strength to fucking make it. I lived through things. I've experienced things. Pain, suffering, dissapointment. I couldn't live a normal, calm life. White house with blue shutters and a picked fence with a husband 3 kids and a dog is not me. I don't want it. I'd go crazy. When things are going to well I have to fuck them up becuase it's all I know.

I'm comfortable with how I am.

I'm gonna call Ty. Because I need to be unhappy and dramatic.