Sometimes I really hate this job. It is so fucking boring. Fortunately Tim is out of the office today and so in my mind that means that I have a free pass to roam the world wide web freely, or as freely as possible.

So far I have managed to buy 7 books, all together (including shipping and handling) they cost me $46.09, that's about $6.50 per book, I must say I'm good at book buying. Now I just need to get as good at clothes buying and I'll by the best read, best dressed girl in town. I like that, I think it should be my new goal. I need to read more, a lot more, a book a month is unsatisfactory. But yeah, all these books are in a similar genre. The call girl, the alcoholic, the fucked up broken doll, the sex addict, and so on. I love it. I always relate. I mean I was able to get my shit together somehow, but I know that all of that is still lurking deep down inside me, and it takes a lot of energy to keep it there. I know the path of self destruction all to well, and I know that in the end it all turns out bad, and that all bad girls have to be rehabilitized. I never got a real rehabiliation, it was always more of a simple realization that this will lead me to nowhere, the gutter is not comfortable, and so I need to change my life around. And I did. I mean, I'm not doing too shabby, even tho I could be doing better, but if I keep on going the way I have been going then I should be doing great soon enough. But it takes so much energy, and self determination, and pushing, and EVERYTHING to stay on a straight path. It is so exhausting and the positive effects of it take so long to realize. While the path of destruction has such quick rises. Unfortunately tho quick rises also mean even quicker falls. Like cocaine. Quick great high, happiness, perkyness, energy, bliss. And then restlessness, depression, anxiety. Every morning after you wonder wether or not it really was worth it as you lay in bed unable to sleep playing Tetris to no end to keep you busy. I played so much tetris that it haunted my dreams when I did sleep. And then you do it all over again becuase you decide that if you can't come up with a straight answer for evil vs good so it must not be that bad.

Now instead of spontaniuty I have routines. Wake up, shower, dress, go to Levis, go to work, go to Levis, go to work, go to Levis go home and sleep. Wake up, shower, dress.... all over again, every day. Weekends I clean, hang with levi, and work some more. What a fucking exciting life I leed. I think I need to go dancing this weekend. Actually no, this should be a good weekend, but we'll burn that bridge when we get there. Right now I feel like taking a Vicodin. Mmmmmmmmmmm.... that would be bliss.