More notes from the side kick

3/7/06
I don't know what's wrong with me today. I'm in a shit mood. I don't want to be here. I hate my job. I hate being surrounded byu cheap whores. I hate the saying you are who you hang with. I was not made for this. I don't know how to do this. I don't know what I want. i want to go back to school, I'm going to stay up all night with projects tonight. I am cutting off my lap top privelages until I'm back in school. Haha, I am grounding myself. How fucking stupid. I suck at being independent. I walwaus take the easy way out of shit. And always prentend everything is ok and just pray that it will resolve itself. This whole time I;ve been waiting for a job to fall in my lap. Yeah fucking right. I'm not home anymore. I don't have mommy to do everything for me.

3/17/06
"Working so hard and now we get tha pay back..." The phone rings. I allready know it's someone I know from the city by the ring tone. Probably Veronica or maybe Charlie decided to stop being an ego maniac and getover himself, bastard reading my test message over my shoulder, how rude. Oh shit. It's not. It's Bruce, and he wants to see me, he wants me to visit him at his place. For the frst time he is actually inviting me to his place, and he sounds tired. I told him I'll be there in an hour, but I will probably take a little bit longer just to make him wait. He did have the balls to say I'm "Nice". Nice is not something you want to hear from the older man you are seriously trying to date, it makes you feel like tehre is an eve bigger age gap between the two you then then there really is. And 21 years is a pretty big gap.

I just got out of the whoer and am smoking a cigarette. Unable to make up my mind whether to dress like a hipster or a grown up I join the two by putting on ripped jeans, baggy tee shirt, pumas a cardigan and a black trench. A little over an hour later I pop on my headphones, turn up my iPod and call a cab.

I arrive at his apartment building in 15 minutes. Courtney love is bitching about "white bout skin" and "big black men" in my ear as I light another cigarette and wait for Bruce to come get me through the front gate. We take the long way through the bulding so that he doesn't have to talk to some Chinese lady. Withing the first few steps I allready wouldn't know how to get back out. He talks to me about how he is learning to use iTunes and LimeWire, along with his 10 year old nephew. Great, another age gap notion. I feel more and more like a toy barbie. His place is very plain, but then he's a guy and in the process of moving. I wonder what his new place looks like and if I will get to see it. We chat, share a bowl of icecream. I can tell he tell eh enjoys watching me clean off the spon with my lips as he feeds it to me. We share music we both enjoy, music seems to be our number one subject of conversation. He tells me about some show his dad told him to watch about gay siblings. And then the bomb of the evening. "My friend and I were talking about why men are attracted to younger girls." That should have been younger women buddy, but whatever, I'll let it slide. "And he thinks it's for the same reason why people like puppies." Boom. I can feel my skin melting off like a Hiroshima victim, but I don't let him catch on. We cuddle, and like always he tries to undress me. I switch from feeling like a brabie doll to feeling like a blow up doll, so I politely, yet playfully get him to stop. Make out session galore, he needs to learn that there is no need to clean out my throat with his tounge, leave that for the lower regions. It's getting late and we both have to work in the morning so he drives me home in his rented car. He is unable to pick a radio station the whole ride, and I sit kind of quite because I feel like a moron. He drops me off, we kiss and I go upstairs. I grab a beer from the fridge, and light another smoke. I can not believe that I just fot compared to a fucking puppy. Time for some of the beautiful Fionna Apple. "I opened my eyes while you were kissing me once, more then once. And you lookes as sincere as a dog. Just as sincere as a dog does when it's the food on your lips with which it's in love." Fuck him. Unless he makes some magical, magnificent recovery that's the end of that.

3/21/06
I receive the second best compliment of my life last night at work. One of my customers told that I have a perfect ass. My favorite compliment ever is being told that I look to Scarlett Johansson! I'm angry at my work right now. I'm enjoying working days. It's calm, and good money. And I'm tired of having my whole scheduel constnatly changing. It's fucking up my sleep and family relations.

3/22/06
I miss Bruce. i want to talk to him about music and I want to cuddle and hear his childhood stories and insecurities. But I have too much pride to do this still.