Things are shitty at this moment. Well inside my head is shitty.

I pored my heart out to Ty last night via myspace message, and he hasn't responded to me. I want to call him. But I know I shouldn't. I probably will anyway cause I'm a moron. I hate him and love him at the same time. Isn't that always the case with me tho. If things weren't dramatic I don't think I could love men. Maybe I don't even love them, maybe I just love the drama, the chaos, who fucking knows.

And about chaos. I had a date with this guy today. We walked around and talked. I told him my fucked up life story. Alcoholic/abusive father. pedophile neighbor. Rape. He said he feels sorry for me, and that I should try living a normal life. I don't want your pitty, I don't want you to feel sorry for me, and I don't want a normal life. My life made me strong, stronger then you will ever be. I have the strength to move to a place, on the other side of the continent without knowing anyone there, all by myself, without a job, without anything, and I have the strength to fucking make it. I lived through things. I've experienced things. Pain, suffering, dissapointment. I couldn't live a normal, calm life. White house with blue shutters and a picked fence with a husband 3 kids and a dog is not me. I don't want it. I'd go crazy. When things are going to well I have to fuck them up becuase it's all I know.

I'm comfortable with how I am.

I'm gonna call Ty. Because I need to be unhappy and dramatic.