I don't know what the fuck I'm supposed to with myself. I feel like I need to be here, and I need to do this. But it's so fucking hard. Work is fucking shit. I'm happy if I come out with $40 in my pocket... after 8 hours of work? That's fucking bullshit. I can't quit smoking, but good knows it I can't afford it. But the worst part is that I am so fucking lonely. Back in Jersey I at least had friends. Here I have nothing. I used to at least be able to hang out and cuddle and pretend with Ty, but here nothing. I at least used to be able to go out and party, and I had someone to call if I wanted to go to the movies on a Sunday night. We always went to the movies on Sundays, people used to call me to do this. Here? Nothing. I am so fucking lonely and miserable. I just want somebody, I need somebody. But ever fucking guy here is gay, or a bum. I feel like I have made the mistake of a life time. I don't think that I was ready for this. But then if that's the case then i don't think that I will ever be ready. I just want somebody to lay with me and hold me at night. I don't know what to do with myself any longer. I hate crying because it makes me feel weak. I miss my sister. I miss my fucking parents. I miss my cat. I miss Ty. I miss the boys. I miss Mackenzie. I even fucking miss Levis bullshit. I want that mother fucker to call me. I don't want him to visit. I want Ty to visit. I'm ready to pay for his plane ticket myself. I'm a fucking stripper. Something I never thought I would do, and something that I could never tell my parents about. I feel like a failure. I am weak. I hate myself right now, and I haven't said that since coke. I'm a fucking train wreck.